Please read the entire question before you choose an answer. If none of the given answers seems appropriate, you may fill in the answer “other”. Some questions may have more than one right answer; please choose the right answer that better suits you. Some questions have wrong answers; these will get you disqualified from consideration for the boyfriend position.
1. I live in Midtown.
a. That’s great! Midtown is the ONLY place in Sacramento I could ever stand to live, because it reminds me of San Francisco, where I am SO COOL and all my really cool friends still live.
b. Hunh. That’s nice. Maybe we could grill dinner on your front porch.
c. Midtown is dirty and criminals live there. I like living in Natomas, where it is clean and new.
2. I am in my early thirties, and definitely want to have kids.
a. I do not want kids, and I will politely not respond to this ad.
b. I really don’t think I want kids, but you are so pretty and smart and funny that I will fall for you anyway. Then I will woo you until you fall for me. Once you are in love with me, I will dick you around for two or three years until I finally decide that I do not want to have kids. Then we will break up, leaving you in your mid-thirties with no long term relationship and no kids.
c. I’m not in any real hurry, but my friends are getting married and having kids and it doesn’t seem so impossible any more.
d. If I were in a sweet, committed relationship with a non-crazy woman, it would be reasonable to think of having kids in the next couple years.
3. I play an obscure field sport, and go away to play in tournaments one or two weekends a month during the season.
a. Phew! It’s hard to get away from my wife on the weekends. It’ll be so much easier to have someone on the side if she goes out of town for weekend tournaments.
b. Phew! That leaves me the whole weekend to pursue my own geeky hobby and catch up with my friends. It’ll be good to see her when she gets back.
c. I don’t really have anything of my own to do, so I’ll just go with her to the tournaments and cheer from the sidelines. We should never be apart for a whole weekend.
d. But, if she is gone for the whole weekend, who will wash my dishes and do my laundry? It can’t work like that. I’ll put a stop to this whole going-away-to-tournaments business.
4. I come home from a tournament on Sunday night. I am sweaty, exhausted, sunburnt and hungry.
a. “Hi sweetheart! My parents will be here in twenty minutes! Can you make us dinner real quick? It doesn’t have to be fancy.”
b. “Hi sweetheart! Dinner is already on the table. After you eat like a starving wolf, I’ll clean up while you take a cool shower. Would you like a naked rubdown with aloe gel tonight?”
c. “Oh man, are you back already? I wanted to have the place cleaned up before you got home.”
5. During the season, when I play a lot, I get tanner and thinner. During the winter off-season I put on about ten pounds. I am always athletic and proportionate, but I am never slim.
a. I don’t want to date someone whose weight fluctuates. I will politely not respond to this ad.
b. I don’t want to date someone whose weight fluctuates. I will write back to tell her that she will never find a man because she is a fat cow.
c. Eh. As long as she moves well and is happy in her body, I can’t get that worked up about it. Besides, the bigger the cushion….
d. I’m not that psyched for a preventable weight gain. Maybe I will offer to eat well and train with her during the winter.
6. You are talking about your techie or policy work, or your geeky hobby, or physics, or something you made, and I start to get flushed and say that you are talking dirty. Which of the following four statements are true?
I. I really mean it. You ARE talking dirty and I am getting turned on.
II. I am making fun of you for being so dorky.
III. I am making fun of me for being so dorky.
IV. I want you to stop talking about that and instead talk to me about whether you think Tom and Katie are genuinely in love.
a. I is true.
b. I and III are true.
c. IV is true.
d. All four statements are true.
7. If we went out on a first date, and if you were charming and sweet and funny, and if you had a deep, sexy voice, and if I were seduced by your explaining some difficult theory to me, I would probably sleep with you that night.
When you read the previous statement, your first thought was:
a. Hell yeah! I’m getting laid!
b. That girl is a slut. She’ll go to hell for her fornicating ways.
c. Oooh. Nice use of the subjunctive. But she needs to ease off the comma splices.
d. I wonder how long I can pitch my voice low.
8. I have been vegetarian for years.
a. That girl doesn’t know what she’s missing! Just one bite of my bacon-wrapped ribs and she’ll totally go back to eating meat.
b. Me too! Our house will be a temple of purity, with no connection to the cruelty and viciousness perpetrated on our animal brothers and sisters by the ignorant masses who consume the lies perpetrated by the Meat Industrial Complex.
c. Hmm. Maybe I’ll bring some meat to cook for myself with whatever else we make for dinner.
d. Cool. I’ll have to remind Mom that chicken broth is not vegetarian.
9. We are at a party, and some harmless guy is hitting on me and backing me into a corner. You:
a. get drunk and beat the crap out of him.
b. don’t notice, because the host’s sister is smokin’ hot
c. notice, but don’t intervene. Later, when we are debriefing the party, you will laugh at me ‘cause I had to put up with him.
d. notice, immediately come over, start frenching me, and make it clear that I am your territory.
e. notice, and when I start making pleading eye contact with you, come over to ask whether you can get me a drink.
10. Drop me an email to respond to this ad.
a. BAYBEE, this is UR lucky day! I love to give oral and have a girl mone my name when she CUMS! Sendme a pic!
b. I can’t believe that I have finally found a spark of wit and sophistication in this hellhole called Sacramento. If we meet and hit it off, we can spend all of our weekends going to San Francisco, because I am TOO COOL for this cowtown. Have I mentioned that I go to Burning Man?
c. Hello im so lonely since my wife left me and i cant meet anyone nice. why are there no nice girls? doesnt anyone appreciate an old-fashioned guy? i just need a girl that i can give all my love and attention and time to and then i will be happy again. Also, i have four kids.
d. Other:I got nearly a hundred replies, but this one was my absolute favorite:
Hi, I found your advertisement very humorous and entertaining. I think you are very intelligent, engaging, funny and extremely full of yourself. If you fiind a wimp that gives you all the right answers...you will have a...wimp that you can kick around and make him feel inferior. Yes, I do know all the right answers because I also find you very predictable.*
By the way, you misspelled "moan" not to mention made several gramatical errors.
*This comment actually gave me a little twinge, because I knew that I had been careless when I designed the quiz. For anything important, of course
I would have used Excel to generate a random list of positions for the correct answer. But this was such a silly application, I thought I could get away with a shortcut. I got caught. The observant reader must have noticed that the better answers are grouped toward the end of the choices. My bad.