html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: Love is testing me but still I'm losing it

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Love is testing me but still I'm losing it

I was lamenting to my friend Sean about my long drought. Before you go clicking away from another boring water entry, I mean a drought of a more personal nature… a bedroom nature. Sean and I agreed that it is ridiculous that I don’t have a boyfriend; I am presentable and pleasant enough. Since I’m a great girlfriend once I am in a relationship, Sean figured there must be something about my approach that I could work on.

“Meggie,” he said, “What do you wear when you are working on a guy?”

“You’re looking at it.” I said. “No,” he said, “Those are your clothes for doing chores and gardening. What do you wear when you are out where boys could see you?” When I gestured at my clothes again, he winced, which I totally didn’t get, ‘cause these are my new jeans. “Meggie,” he said, “When was the last time you dressed up?” “Oh! That was for the fall league party. I wore this tight red dress with four inch red heels and cocksucker red lipstick.” “And was there a boy you liked at the party?” “Yeah.” “What happened when he saw you in the dress?” “He jumped and spilled his drink. Someone must have bumped into him.” Sean patiently explained that no one bumped into him, and that if I want boys to notice me, I am going to have to wear girl clothes.

Girl clothes!” I shouted. “That’s outrageous! They don’t have pockets, and you can’t sprint in them if you need to beat the light, and you can’t just throw them on from the previous day because they get wrinkled! Besides, the colors have to match and you have to wear jewelry, and that takes like twenty minutes!” I can patiently explain things too, so I pointed out all the ways that girl clothing is a repressive tool of the patriarchy to physically restrain women and keep them from full actualization by requiring them to spend their time on stupid shit like earrings. Sean didn’t argue, but he did force me to make an unpleasant choice between fighting blatant injustice and getting some horizontal actualization of my own.

Moving on, Sean asked me how I flirt with the guys I like. “Well, you know how I am usually friendly and smiley and I talk about dorky things? Just like that, only more.” “So if you saw a guy you liked…” “I would probably give him a hug like everyone else, and then tell him about the things I’ve been thinking about recently. Like right now I’m super into Geoffrey Chaucer’s blog, so I would be all ‘hah, hah, hah, and then, he makes fun of John Gower, hah hah’.” “And you still don’t score?” said Sean. “Remarkable.”

Sean told me that I have inadvertently crossed over into one-of-the-guys territory. He listed flirting techniques that might get me out of there. “Do you flip your hair? Giggle? Ask him to get you a drink? Smile demurely? Hit him on the arm?” Now THAT was interesting. “Hit him on the arm? Like a jab, or more of an uppercut? Should I kick him, too?” “Not like that”, said Sean, and he demonstrated with sortof an openhanded swat on the arm.

Gentle reader, I did taekwondo for thirteen years. During college I trained with the team twenty-five hours a week. It would be impossible to count the punches I’ve thrown or the hours I’ve spent with a heavy bag. I have broken boards and a brick with a punch. It has been many years since then, but I imagine I could still return to the gym and learn to box in a matter of months. Those skills aren’t entirely gone, but I am quite sure that I could never learn to swat men on the arm.

Sean persevered. “Meggie, is there anyone you flirt with?” “Oh yeah,” I said. “I flirt with lesbians all the time.” “What do you do?” “Oh, it changes. Sometimes I walk up boldly and look them up and down real slow, then nod, all satisfied. Sometimes I’ll smile shyly, and look down, and look back and blush. I’ll hold eye contact while I tuck my hair. Wearing a shirt that shows downtown Cleveland seems to make me clumsy, ‘cause I just keep dropping things…” “And do they like you?” “Oh man, dykes love me. They’re always hanging on me and asking for sugar. If I only liked the ladylovin’ I would be all set.” “Meggie, that’s it! You just have to do that with men.” “Do that with men… I could never… they would totally get the wrong id- HEY!”

So, dear readers, there is hope for me yet. Perhaps one of you is the dorky gentleman for me. When we meet, there is a good chance that I will revert to my awkward ways. If I am bringing up esoteric shit and asking about your dissertation, please understand that I am flirting with you. If, on the other hand, I am looking at you through lowered lashes and gasping at your wicked lines, please understand that I am imagining you as an especially butch lesbian. Either way, your prospects are good. Go ahead and put the moves on, ‘cause this drought has got to end.

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16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo Megan,

You guilt me into looking at your blog, so I faithfully do it every day. So update it please!

9:48 AM  
Blogger back40 said...

I once read a guy analog of this issue that explained to a woman that when these sorts of fellows compliment you on your shoes and talk knowledgeably of seemingly feminine interests that they aren't "one of the girls", they are flirting with you. Broken readers and writers all around I guess.

Feynman solved this dillema: just ask.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Caliban said...

The downside risk of any advance by a man is that if the object of said advance doesn't like it, he can be permanently branded as a sex offender if the matter is pursued with enough diligence.

When I propose that maybe these laws are too strict, I get called abusive and sexist. Apparently, it is better for a man to be publicly humiliated than for a woman to feel uncomfortable, and any disagreement with that is simply unacceptable.

So even though I would be totally into you based on how you describe your behavior, I wouldn't say squat about it unless I got some very clear signals from your side of the fence.

But that's just me.

1:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A lot hinges on how easily someone can make the transition between potential friend and potential boyfriend (both in your eyes and his own).

Your approach has the potential to work well with me (that is if I were available and not thousands of miles away) because my attitude towards dating is that I'd only want to date women who I would want as friends, so I tend to start out by looking for friends and then see if anything else happens (mostly it doesn't, but I'd rather end up with friends from relationships that don't materialize than end up with one night stands).

Of course, this approach assumes that at some point one person or the other will notice that there's potential for a relationship (not necessarily a given), so don't forget to pay attention.

6:42 AM  
Blogger Jeff Brown said...

Megan wrote, "... so I pointed out all the ways that girl clothing is a repressive tool of the patriarchy to physically restrain women and keep them from full actualization by requiring them to spend their time on stupid shit ..."

Might "mechanism" be a more accurate term than "tool"? I agree completely that "girl clothing" has the effects you describe, but a tool is something that was designed with the intent of accomplishing whatever it accomplishes.

Perhaps I'm mistaken, and "girl clothing" was designed and foisted on its consumers with the specific goal of restraining and repressing them. If so I want to know about it.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous Nathan Whitehead said...

You are absolutely adorable! I would totally date you. Rest assured that there are cool guys out there who are turned on by cute awkward engineering girls wearing boy clothes who flirt with lesbians.

My unsolicited advice for ending the drought: make dates more low pressure, and ask more guys out on dates. The point of a date is to have fun and get to know someone, there doesn't have to be any pressure to get romantically involved. As for asking out guys... there are many ways you can signal interest in a guy. You can put on makeup and slinky clothes. You can flip your hair (or whatever). While time-honored, none is as simple and effective as asking the guy on a date.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Megan Hevron said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:20 AM  
Blogger bluesman said...

stumbled on your blog... so how goes your "man" search :)

2:34 PM  
Blogger Nishit said...

Hey I like your kind of flirting. Asking me about dessertation. If by God's grace, I land up at California for my PhD (which I am seriously trying), damn sure I'd like to meet you...

9:45 PM  
Blogger Nishit said...

please note there not smileys in there in my previous comment

9:46 PM  
Anonymous trichin said...

u can do all the ideas that ur fnd sean gave or u can simply go by Joey Tribbiani style of How u doin?

10:04 PM  
Blogger capella said...

You can take comfort in the fact that at least one woman is far worse with men than you are. At the moment I have a crush on a guy in the next office which has handicapped me to the point where I actively avoid him.

A couple days ago at a department event we had a nice conversation (which he initiated) during which I managed not to make a fool of myself. This is a step forward, right? For a normal woman, maybe, but not me. Just today I saw him at a seminar, sitting in an otherwise empty row. I averted my eyes and kept to the far side of the aisle as I walked past; behind me, my groupmates exchanged hello's with him. I tell myself I am going to be friendly toward him, that it would be practice and might prepare me to someday actually flirt with someone, but when I see him I revert unthinkingly to dorkiness. Forget getting this guy to want to date me - I am lucky if he doesn't think I'm actively hostile.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Geoffrey Chaucer said...

Ma treschere Dame,

It soore peyneth me that talkinge of my blog doth repel potenciale loveres. Ywis, ich sholde think that men of qualitee and wisdam mighte fynde sum humor or jolitee in my litel writinges.

For to aide yow in yower serche for love paramours, ich wolde poynte yow unto a poost of pick-uppe lynes the which ich composid long agoon. Peraventure sum of thes lynes of picke-up may getten yow sum accion.

Le Vostre Servaunt

G. Chaucer

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Broken Heart Dana said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

M. Chaucer!

I would never date or even sleep with a man who didn't find humor and wisdom in your writings! Any man who wanted my favors should read to me first from your writings, to put a girl in the mood, as they invariably must. I will use your pick-up lines at my very next chance, to set the mood for this reading et cetera.

I hate to think I caused even the slightest hurt to such an illustrious guest, when your own blog has given me nothing but delight. Please know that I'll be reading House of Fame and wishing you all health and happiness.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that women jaust cannot live without flirting advice, I've even written a post - flirting advice, but flirting doesn't mean love! These two things are really different!

3:07 AM  

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