I wish I could, Justice League. But I'm crazy busy these days.

I FOUGHT CRIME! Like, just now! Well, like, ten minutes ago, ‘cause now I’m at the café and all set up with an au lait and an oatmeal cookie. But, like, ten minutes ago I was riding my bike to the café! There was a commotion! A nicely dressed lady was chasing a poorly dressed man, and another man was shouting for the man to STOP! I thought, he must have stolen something! Now, on my bike, I can pace running men for as long as I want. In fact, the nicely dressed lady in her high heels was nearly pacing the running away man. So I rode next to them, thinking, “if only there were some magical device I could carry, one that would let me talk to people, like the police!, no matter where I am!” But then the nicely dressed lady stopped running after the guy. I asked her if she wanted me to follow him, and she said no. Then she walked back to the store where she worked and I went to the café. I bet the mayor will want to give me a key to the city next week.

I have fought crime before! Back when I lived in San Luis Obispo, I lived in a different, not-hippiesque co-op. It was very laid-back and mellow, because they were all high on life and the beauty all around us, the mountains and the beaches and the ocean, man. So it was totally harsh when one girl got her two-thousand dollar racing bike stolen from the bike shed. Now, my room overlooked the bike shed, and I’ve always slept with all the windows open. Two nights later, I woke up when I heard someone jostling around at the bike shed. I tried to look out the window, but that was before I got my eyes fixed, so all I could see was a blurry person in a cap, riding away on a bike. I shouted, STOP! But he was gone, so I looked at the time, to be sure we got that right in the police report in the morning. Fifteen minutes, I heard the noise at the bike shed again! The audacity!! This time I ran to my window, holding a pillow in front of me, because I don’t sleep in anything. This time I found my glasses, and could see it was the same person! It was Ethan, my neighbor! Not a thief, which is a darn good thing, because I would have thrown that pillow to stop a thief and don’t you think I wouldn’t. Anyway, the girl’s bike turned up three days later at her sister’s house, where she forgot she left it.

My ex has also fought crime. On St. Patrick’s Day several years ago, we were sleeping, bed under the window, when the glass shattered above us. A bunch of guys were walking by outside, so I ran to call the cops and he ran outside to confront them. “Why the hell’d you do that?” he shouted, and one guy answered “Because I am a young man with no morals.” But then the cops didn’t come, and there isn’t actually much you can do about a bunch of drunk assholes outside your house. So they walked away.