Good luck with that.
Readers, I have gone on dates as a result of this blog. I don’t talk about them here, because entertaining you isn’t worth maybe damaging a new relationship. This time, though, I think I’ve got nothing to lose.
I’ve liked the guys I met so far, and I liked one of them an awful lot. He’s really smart, almost as funny as me, and from everything I saw, he’s a good person. I would have guessed that he liked me too, except that before we could try to be anything, he had to leave for the summer. I got a call from him the other night; we chatted for a while, but I think his real point was to give me a heads up. Seems like his ex has changed her mind; she wants to get back together with him. I don’t think he’s decided anything yet but I don’t think he ever got over her, either. I expect he’ll try again with her.
Part of me is hurt and disappointed; I would have liked to have had a chance with him. Another part of me is amused and even a little relieved. Since dating in general is shaky ground for me and starting a new relationship raises baffling questions, it is almost comforting to be in a situation I know how to deal with. This has happened to me twice (two times!) in the past few years. I know exactly how it goes.
Based on the times I've seen this before, their relationship won’t work. The reasons it didn’t work before haven’t changed and now it’s been fractured even further. However, trying again will make him believe that it won’t work and this time he’ll get over her. When the dust settles in about a year and a half, I’ll get a call from him that puts us back on a friendly basis. (I’m not sure why they call again. Because I was the last intriguing thing that happened, back when things were calm? Because I’m an unanswered question – what if he’d gone that direction? Because they’re hoping for (and get) absolution?)
With my streak, I’ll still be single when he calls in a year or two. But next time he won’t be a really neat guy that I want to figure out and spend time with. Next time, he’ll be a sucker that got worked twice by the same girl. The second time he should have known better and he had another option. I’ll be happy to hear from him and wish him the best, but the whole tenor will feel different, have no potential. He won’t have the crush glamour on him, but whatever connection was there turns into more affection than usual for such a casual friendship. It’s not what I hoped for, but at least I know it turns out fine.
No harm, no foul, mister. We're good.
I’ve liked the guys I met so far, and I liked one of them an awful lot. He’s really smart, almost as funny as me, and from everything I saw, he’s a good person. I would have guessed that he liked me too, except that before we could try to be anything, he had to leave for the summer. I got a call from him the other night; we chatted for a while, but I think his real point was to give me a heads up. Seems like his ex has changed her mind; she wants to get back together with him. I don’t think he’s decided anything yet but I don’t think he ever got over her, either. I expect he’ll try again with her.
Part of me is hurt and disappointed; I would have liked to have had a chance with him. Another part of me is amused and even a little relieved. Since dating in general is shaky ground for me and starting a new relationship raises baffling questions, it is almost comforting to be in a situation I know how to deal with. This has happened to me twice (two times!) in the past few years. I know exactly how it goes.
Based on the times I've seen this before, their relationship won’t work. The reasons it didn’t work before haven’t changed and now it’s been fractured even further. However, trying again will make him believe that it won’t work and this time he’ll get over her. When the dust settles in about a year and a half, I’ll get a call from him that puts us back on a friendly basis. (I’m not sure why they call again. Because I was the last intriguing thing that happened, back when things were calm? Because I’m an unanswered question – what if he’d gone that direction? Because they’re hoping for (and get) absolution?)
With my streak, I’ll still be single when he calls in a year or two. But next time he won’t be a really neat guy that I want to figure out and spend time with. Next time, he’ll be a sucker that got worked twice by the same girl. The second time he should have known better and he had another option. I’ll be happy to hear from him and wish him the best, but the whole tenor will feel different, have no potential. He won’t have the crush glamour on him, but whatever connection was there turns into more affection than usual for such a casual friendship. It’s not what I hoped for, but at least I know it turns out fine.
No harm, no foul, mister. We're good.
posted by Megan at 10:16 PM
22 Comments:
Hey y’all.
I’m restricting your comment options. Nothing about how ‘he’s a moron who’s totally making the wrong choice’. You would have to know all three people to have an opinion about that, and you don’t. He also isn’t a moron; he’s impressive and I can only assume that she is impressive as well. It is very human to want your ex back; I’ve done it myself. So you can say something funny about this or give a counter-example or tell me why they call years later, but keep it positive about everyone involved. (Compliments to me are boring.)
Megan, since you have ruled out negativity and praise-what else is there?- I will do Oscar (not literally, of course):
do you think the glamour would fall away if he had chosen otherwise? ...two tragedies in life: to lose one's heart's desire, to gain one's heart's desire.
If I were this fellow and I were reading this post, I would either cringe at being pegged or be really angry at the attempt at pegging. -K
they call years later because in their minds the choice was not "go back to ex" or "don't go back to ex", but "be with ex" or "be with megan". so in their minds the wrong choice they made was not to be with the ex, but to not be with you; therefore being with you must be the right choice.
this is fallacious thinking because, at least in this case, your relationship with him hadn't progressed far enough for him to make a real choice between you and his ex; he was simply choosing being with her over not being with her and all the good and bad possibilities attendant to that, of which you were the most immediate.
I've always thought it is easy to fall in love. And not remarkably difficult to have two people dig each other at the same time. But getting the timing right so that mutual crushing becomes a real relationship is the tough part.
This is classic good guy, bad timing.
The right guy for you will have the right timing.
-dithers
As I'm the one of those two times of which Megan spoke, I thought this post was a great. I laughed.. "worked twice by the same girl." Admittedly, I'm past that, not on the verge of it, but I think that I could have seen the humor in it at that point.
I do differ on the idea that one learns after the second time. It took me 2.5 times to get over that first girl. Oh, well, live and learn. :-)
The only comment I have is that this kind of thing would make me ANGRY if it were me and if I were Megan I'd be indignant. That's why Megan is better at this people stuff than I am. I get pissed too much. I have tried to learn from people like Megan, but to no avail. We are who we are.
The consolation is that he told you and was (apparently) honest. The downside is that he might try (however inadvertently) to string you along. One might view your post as an act of precommitment to prevent the latter. Or perhaps you still hold hope and believe, if only subconsciously, that the post will force him to clarify his feelings, and quickly. Your words "seem" and "expect," from early in the post, are rife with meaning. Your last words are complex and mean the opposite with p = 0.36 or perhaps more. Plus you must be doubting whether he knew this all along. Overall I believe your approach is a good one. Perhaps there remains a 0.06 chance that you and this guy are meant to be. If so, you have a chance of revelation but if it doesn't come quickly move on without hesitation.
Tyler
Oh well, his mother wouldn't have liked you anyway.
I've read a few studies indicating (at least in our culture) that post breakup/divorce it's usually the male who is less happy because the romantic relationship involved a bigger part of his close social/emotional support structure than the female. Since the female gender seems better at forming deep non-romantic emotional relationships they often have someone to go to, whereas the male is less likely to have the same outlets. So perhaps calling is a way of reaching out for validation/support, you were someone who made them feel good in the past and they are looking for it again.
Then again, I'm wary of any theory that sounds like it's from an undergrad psych course, so I could be way off here:P
Crush glamour or not, he might be worth considering in a year.5 if he's a hot piece of ass.
Bill I have also read a study that says that men who get married live for longer than those who do not. However, another refuted this and said that it only *feels* longer :)
I've just realised that other people seem to be using my name...
11:43 anon:
Naw, he won't have time to cringe or get angry. He'll be too busy thinking of all the reasons it'll be different for him and his ex.
Tyler:
I really think he acted in good faith the whole time.
I'm not hoping for any revelations on his part.
Underwear Ninja: Hot piece of ass? Well, he does have hops. But once a guy chooses someone else over me, he doesn't get a second try.
What exactly constitutes hops? You seem to think a lot of people have hops, but in my experience, even in basketball players, it's rare. So, how many inches vertical are we talking about here?
While I understand the no second chance rule and I respect it, I think that it may be too restrictive. I, of all people, support the romantic ideal of crush, romance, and happily ever after, but in the search for happily ever after, I'd not close too many doors.
Yeah, he'll be rationalizing why it'll be different and every thing he hears will likely be recast in the most optimistic light (optimistic WRT getting back together).
As for why they come back years later... You're too good to pass up as a friend and they likely don't buy the no-second-chance philosophy. Um, they're even seeking a second chance with their ex, so obviously they think that second chances exist in general. Besides, like another commenter said, they never chose another woman over you since their ex was on an entirely different plane there was no even comparison.
He didn't choose the ex over Megan because of their relevant merits; he chose her because of their history together. This means Megan shouldn't be insulted (which she doesn't seem to be), but if I were in her position it would make me even less likely, now that he's shown himself to be fickle and feckless, to give him a second chance.
They call because they want to get laid.
Anonymous guy, you can deny it, but I know it to be true.
Not fickle. He didn't owe me anything and he told me when the situation changed. I don't think he took anything about this lightly.
Sweet Coalminer:
You're projecting, sweetie. Just because you only have one thing on your mind when you think of me, doesn't mean that everyone does.
Keep it positive, y'all.
I've been back in touch with ex's after one or more years because I genuinely want to be friends, but it takes me that long to get over things.
Then again, I'm an idiot.
You're so right. I would totally call you to get laid like 2 years later.
Sweet Coalminer:
Second and third and fourth chances for you.
we totally understand how you felt free with him going away for vacations,http://www.enterbet.com
youll know when the right ones comes :)sportsbook
Post a Comment
<< Home