And then, I'm a hypocrite.
People on this other blog are all "Well, yeah, but does she seem DESPERATE?". And I don't think so. I mean, let's walk through it.
I meet a guy, and walking up to him, I give him a good once over. Just the basics, frame size, health, vigor. I happen to notice things like glasses or a limp, just little genetic pointers like that. But who can tell what the other person notices? Then I check out his car. Two doors? Four doors? Four doors is easier for car seats. But I don't say anything, so how would he even know what I'm thinking? He probably thinks I just like cars.
Then we hang out, wherever we are. And I have manners, so if a BABY in a stroller goes by, I just excuse myself politely before I go over to look at the BABY. It isn't like I just run away. And I can maintain eye contact with a guy if there's a BABY in the room. Or regain eye contact. Whatever. And we, like, talk. We talk about all sorts of things. Like his job, and whether it has good paternity leave. Does he like his job? Would he leave it for one with more flextime? OK. Whatever. I can work with that. Or we talk about family. Family is very important, and did I mention my beautiful nephews? They're perfect, just so cute and perfect. Maybe I tell a funny little story about a fit my nephew threw, but how he was so adorable anyway. That's a part of life, so why shouldn't we talk about it? I would never ask a guy's age or experiences with children before dinner; I really think we should eat first and get to know each other a little. We talk about our friends, who we spend time with. So it just, you know, comes up that all my friends are married and have young children. What? I shouldn't talk about my friends? It is only the truth. If we both like to work out, we can talk about how very important it is to stay fit and healthy and flexible and active (so your pregnancy is easier, but I don't SAY that), so you have lots of energy for whatever might happen in the next year that requires a lot of energy. It's not like I mention the vitamins.
And then the date is over, so I just pull out my datebook. It is good to check on a guy's plans, like for our next date, or to see if he has anything big happening for the rest of the year. Long trips or something. And then thekids kiss, and it isn't like I put his hand on my stomach or anything. So I think it is totally chill and that you guys should stop worrying about how my dates go when you are far away through the internets and can't even tell what I am really like. Yeah.
I meet a guy, and walking up to him, I give him a good once over. Just the basics, frame size, health, vigor. I happen to notice things like glasses or a limp, just little genetic pointers like that. But who can tell what the other person notices? Then I check out his car. Two doors? Four doors? Four doors is easier for car seats. But I don't say anything, so how would he even know what I'm thinking? He probably thinks I just like cars.
Then we hang out, wherever we are. And I have manners, so if a BABY in a stroller goes by, I just excuse myself politely before I go over to look at the BABY. It isn't like I just run away. And I can maintain eye contact with a guy if there's a BABY in the room. Or regain eye contact. Whatever. And we, like, talk. We talk about all sorts of things. Like his job, and whether it has good paternity leave. Does he like his job? Would he leave it for one with more flextime? OK. Whatever. I can work with that. Or we talk about family. Family is very important, and did I mention my beautiful nephews? They're perfect, just so cute and perfect. Maybe I tell a funny little story about a fit my nephew threw, but how he was so adorable anyway. That's a part of life, so why shouldn't we talk about it? I would never ask a guy's age or experiences with children before dinner; I really think we should eat first and get to know each other a little. We talk about our friends, who we spend time with. So it just, you know, comes up that all my friends are married and have young children. What? I shouldn't talk about my friends? It is only the truth. If we both like to work out, we can talk about how very important it is to stay fit and healthy and flexible and active (so your pregnancy is easier, but I don't SAY that), so you have lots of energy for whatever might happen in the next year that requires a lot of energy. It's not like I mention the vitamins.
And then the date is over, so I just pull out my datebook. It is good to check on a guy's plans, like for our next date, or to see if he has anything big happening for the rest of the year. Long trips or something. And then the
posted by Megan at 10:01 AM
18 Comments:
Adorable. I exercise and take vitamins, too. I hope people don't think I'm trying to get pregnant... That could be awkward.
Off I go, to dance with a pretty girl in the park.
I notice your failure to mention your perfectly reasonable practice of buying baby clothes when they're on sale. They're expensive, and they'll be useful sometime, right? It's only practical.
----
Oh, man. This is such a lousy way for reality to be organized. My beloved big sister is 39 -- she got divorced at 34. I don't even really know if she wants kids, because I've been staying away from the subject so hard. But she'd have such gorgeous kids, and I'd like to be their aunt so much (heck, mine could babysit!) and it sucks that barring some giant fluke in the next couple of months, maybe the next year or two, it isn't going to happen.
LB:
I never even thought of buying baby clothes in advance. SEE?! It is like I'm not even TRYING!
Seriously, we need to Have A Word with the organizer.
And then the kids kiss, and it isn't like I put his hand on my stomach or anything
THAT's where you go wrong.
Having a girl put your hand on her tummy is totally hot!
"Having a girl put your hand on her tummy is totally hot!"
Depends if she wants your hand to rise up or slide down :)
Cute post. I actually scoped out a girl (now ex wife) for her hips (birth canal)...
I can see the problem of hanging out at playgrounds to meet guys with kids -- they're usually "taken". (I assume you are not interested in kids alone; being a single mom is a bitch.) Where else can you meet the "right" type who wants to see your bulging belly? Maybe guys who already have kids, but are now divorced? Trouble with step/half kids there...
So complicated to think of this stuff before my breakfast!
If you're not desperate now, you should at least know WHEN you WILL be desperate. At 38? 41?
GOD himself has given women the joy of child bearing -- and the bio-clock.
If you WERE desperate, what would you be doing differently? Don't you know any women who ARE desperate, and have advice on what they SHOULD have done, a few years ago? And are you following your own advice?
I'd guess not.
I'm sorry love is so hard. But commitment to another INDIVIDUAL means ... giving up some, A LOT, of your own desires and replacing them with desires to make your partner/ spouse happy.
It's a little "family socialism" thing.
I'm so happy with my own wife (Bryan Adams' song about loving a woman, and seeing your future children in her eyes...) but so many Libertarian folk are too individualistic to find the partners they can happily love. Forever.
I'm afraid that Tom was implying that I remain single due to my libertarian individualism. That may be the third unfairest thing anyone has ever said.
Unfair?
I don't know about that. Now that you are officially a Libertarian, maybe you and Justin can finally hook up!
And David:
> Depends if she wants your hand to
> rise up or slide down :)
The lovely thing about girls is that there are no directions that aren't potentially enjoyable!
Strang coinkydink...
I was listening to "Gently Jonny" from the Wicker Man (original, not the bad remake) soundtrack as I read this post:
I put my hand on her knee
And she says do you want to see
I put my hand on her breast
And she says do you want a kiss
Gently gently gently Johnny
Gently Johnny my jingalo
I put my hand on her thigh
And she says do you want to try
I put my hand on her belly
And she says do you want to fill me
Gently gently gently Johnny
Gently Johnny my jingalo
Those Pagans know someting about fertility.
I'll second that last from Jens. Also, I think there are probably plenty of guys your age who also want children, and would be turned on by a clear desire for a baby, if it didn't come off as a borderlin-psychotic obsession, which it doesn't sound like yours does. Their 30s is usually when guys feel the strongest desire to settle down with a fam...
The potential problem is mostly if the man gets the idea that you're more interested in a baby than in him, of course. I'm sure you wouldn't lead a guy on for baby potential who you would divorce if it turned out he was infertile, though... I hope?
Question about your primal desire: what % of it would be satisfied by adoption, if you had to resort to that?
If there's any solace, these guys do exist. I have two girl friends, and the push for kids came from their husbands. One is still putting him off, the other succeeded for a year or so (with a dog), but is now due in July.
The guys definately want the little ones too. I mean, their namesakes, right (traditionally speaking)? Even the tough-guy mafioso types want a Jimmy, Jr. around. Maybe if we speak to guys from that angle, rather from the cute/nurturing/baby-clothes side...
Libertarian individualism puts you in the 99.9^9 th percentile of coolness. For real.
NO!! NO No No no no no!
I'm not libertarian! I have a libertarian pimp and libertarian readers, which is, like, the cross I bear or something. I'm a full-on bleeding heart liberal. High taxes! Huge intrusive government! Social welfare safety net! Universal health care!Scandinavia, rah! I mock libertarians, except that the ones I've met here are really lovely people. But they know I mock them, and they torment me back with conversations about Quality dating strategies.
I get no credit for being libertarian, and I can't believe that someone said above that my libertarian individualism is standing between me and dating. I'm not libertarian!
Your first mistake was mentioning the nephews.
In all my dating years, I had an instinctive negative reaction if "I love my nieces and nephews -- I'm their favorite aunt!" came up too soon. Not necessarily b/c it denoted baby hunger. Maybe b/c it just isn't sexy to go out with someone's aunt.
"I mock libertarians, except that the ones I've met here are really lovely people. But they know I mock them, and they torment me back with conversations about Quality dating strategies."
We look past your mocking and respond with loving kindness; we recognize that you're only a baby away from joining our ranks. Which is why we're always responding with the economic and political analysis of your dating preferences; we're happy to help you find your way onto the path of rugged individualism. You'll be all about private schools, smaller government, and lower taxes.
Anon 4:16: do you prefer people who hate their nephews, or are just indifferent to them?
Actually, the "I love my nephews" thing from a woman can just as easily mean "visiting the nephews on the weekends are all the kid-exposure I need...I get all of the good stuff and none of the diapers".
Anon 8:22: I want a kid relatively soon so I can still be (barely) young enough to play a little ball with them when they are old enough to do that. Not quite tough-guy mafioso, but masculine. I dread the baby / infant stage though.
Megan:
I'm going to assume that you want babies enough to consider some fairly radical points.
I would like to suggest you consider the proposition of marriage--from the point of view of a potential mate.
1) Lot of h4wt s3ks up front--not so bad.
2) Emotional and physical abandoment within a year--not good at all.
3) An expectation that my paternity leave options be fully utilized, with no regard for the impact to my company or my position within it. (insanely bad)
4) A real possibility that you will earn no money for a year or more. (During which time, I go from supporting one person to three.)
See the problem? Unless the man is desiring babies as much as you, there will be serious conflict. And men don't. And society no longer encourages them to behave as if they do.
Forget the grad school nerds. Men don't marry older--and our fertility curve is the reason.
You need to hit the forty-five year-old crowd.
1) You don't have kids. This is a HUGE plus. At your age, many, many women are looking for someone to essentially cuckold with the children of a prior marriage.
2) More men at this age are realizing that having a family would be a good thing.
3) You are ten years younger. (Fertility curves again)
4) They know where there career is going, and are far more likely to be able to swing things.
5) They are still young enough that the death tables aren't an issue. They are also young enough that they will be retiring after (barely) the kid gets out of college.
This is NOT settling. The idea of marrying age-peers as a matter of course is a recent phenomenon. Historically, women marry older.
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