Something to give my life meaning.

The universe can be a vicious tease sometimes, holding the thing I most desperately crave just barely out of reach. I keep thinking that if I work hard enough, and study and read, and live an upright life, and show up, every week for more than a year, my diligence would finally be rewarded. Justice would be restored; I could take a free and easy breath, untainted by the longing so constant and familiar it has become my default state. I could hold in my hands the prize my team and I have been working towards for so long. If the universe weren’t taunting us, my team could win the porn at Pub Quiz.

Streets of London holds a Pub Quiz every Sunday night; thirty general knowledge questions on geography, film, music, literature, history. Teams of up to six people compete for third place. First place is two pitchers of their very good beer and two entrees of their mediocre food. Second place is two bottles of the mediocre house wine. But third place! Third place is porn, and the reason we are all there week after week.

My team is pretty good. Dave brings the music and geography. I’m fairly good at the current events and literature, abysmal at pop culture. David and Amanda get the films and anagrams. The other two teammates change from week to week. We’re usually among the better teams, but third place escapes us every time. One time, the quizmaster counted our answers wrong and we didn’t get Asian Sister Sluts. Last night we came in fourth. Fourth! Two questions stood between us and Jackin’ the Beanstalk. Cruelest of all was the night we came in second. We overshot the porn! You can see how the universe mocks our efforts.

When we finally do win the porn, we’re having a party. I made Dave promise that we would invite everyone over to watch on his big TV with the surround sound. We’ll warm up with the pity porn. Every week the quizmaster gives out porn to two teams that didn’t place; over the past year we’ve won the pity porn twice. Pity porn is better than no porn, of course, but it is hollow consolation. I have standards; I refuse to watch porn I didn’t earn. I live in faith that one day we will win the porn outright. We will keep trying, striving every Sunday to do our best. It will be a victory for all of us when we finally take third place. I’ll invite you to come share our triumph.