Grateful.

I needed to talk to someone last night, so obviously I called Chris. Chris was himself, which is to say, sweet and understanding and going straight to the heart of the problem. Chris’ great gift is his unfailing empathy, and the way he matches his responses to your needs. Almost. On the one hand, I can completely count on him for something I like very much. Chris doesn’t offer sympathy when it would undo me, and with me, he will joke about miserable situations. That is often a fantastic relief. I know he also values that in me. When he was gentrifying Oak Park and had to keep seeing stupid pointless violence, I was his calm voice, who just grinned and asked him if he was going to make a necklace out of the bullets in his fence. So Chris and I do that well.

But Chris’ unconditional love and acceptance doesn’t make him a very good person to turn to when you’re the person bringing you down. I’m all, “Chris, I’ve got to change my wicked ways and live on the straight and narrow!” And he’s all “How are you going to do that?” So I said “Next time I’m about to do stupid shit, I’ll call you, and you’ll tell me not to!” And he’s all “No I won’t.” It’s true. He won’t. He’ll just bathe me in love and acceptance and tell me I’m a great person, which isn’t exactly helpful.

I thought more about it and then I called Margie, who was willing to take on the responsibility of agreeing that I shouldn’t do stupid shit. I’m sure she’ll be nothing but gentle and tactful. And then I got to thinking about whom I go to, for what.

I go to Claudia or Le when I need someone who is willing to spend lots of time in the details. I try to avoid blanket statements about genders, but really? Women are so much better at this. You skip something relevant, like whether he said ‘I’ll call you’ or ‘talk to you later’ and they will back the story up until they understand every last part exactly. Claudia and Le will also do something few of my other friends will, which is condemn people. I call Shabana when I need someone who will help me search a situation for the best possible explanation for why people acted wrong. She always assumes the best of everyone; when I need to get along, she’ll help me find a way to do that. Not Claudia or Le. They get right in there with “nope, she’s did that ‘cause she’s a selfish bitch.” Very helpful sometimes; as, to pick any old example, when your best friend dates your ex.

I sometimes try my guy friends. If I call Teddy, I could well start with “woe is me” and end spending forty minutes discussing fruit. If I call Anand, we’ll be giggling and making fun of each other within minutes, which is fun, but doesn’t really answer burning questions about what that guy secretly meant when he said “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.”

I wrote to a new girlfriend last night, who came though with a perceptive and thoughtful and supportive letter back. I knew she would. The blog has been very kind to me that way; bringing me new people whom I can go to for help in new ways. (Amanda, my boss really liked the SpeedGeekery technique. I did not, however, provide him a link to our discussion.) I am lucky to have you out there.