html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: How does Google stand the despair?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

How does Google stand the despair?

I'm not entirely sure what to make of the searches that bring people here. I've already told you that I get a bunch of "f*ck-me boot" searches, and I am sure that I'm disappointing those people. I am particularly fond of the searches for "good porn"; I like to picture someone sitting down and thinking "You know what I'm looking for? I'm looking for some good porn."

On every day I get heartbreaking searches. The phrase "boyfriend quiz" brings 'em:
Does my boyfriend love me quiz?
How can I get my boyfriend to notice me quiz?
Quiz - is my boyfriend a good boyfriend?
How much does my boyfriend love me quiz?

Only, not, you know, so punctuated or capitalized.

I get searches that I think do lead to relevant posts, about how to ask someone out or if it is OK for a girl to ask out a boy. (Yes, sweetheart. It is fine for a girl to ask out a boy. Then, give him a chance to ask you out next time.) I hope those are helpful, mysterious internets people. Come back and tell me how it went.

Anand's fans are still searching for him, waiting anxiously for his next post. Just last week I got "gay bottom Anand" and "looking for girl to have sex in Anand"; I'm sure he'll be along any minute to clarify those.

Today I got:
i ask them nicely to turn it down they tell me to go fuck myself
paralegals dating lawyers
what does it mean when a guy kisses you and says nobody has to know

That can't be good.

12/14/06:
how to get your boyfriend.to.love.me
remote desktop no permission wife
when will i get my first boyfriend quiz When you are twenty, sweetie. Until then, I want you to earn your own money, enjoy math and physics, and play team sports.

12/20/06:
Information on how you can get someone to only have a crush on you and no one else Oh honey, I don't know. When you find out, come tell me, OK?

1/8/7:
how are unattractive people supposed to get jobs Honey, I'm sorry. It isn't fair.
how do west coast girls differ from east coast girls in looks We're prettier.

1/13/7
lets be real, bald men are unattractive What? No they aren't. When guys are smiley and have hops and a deep voice, bald is completely irrelevant.

1/15/7
Why Women Are Attracted To Jerks, Players and Just Plain Dangerously Wrong Guys. I don't know that they are, but I love the capitalization and how it sounds out loud.
pathetic losers expats philippines Dude, you came to the right place.

1/19/7
how to stop having a crush on someone Fuck if I know, but you don't have to let it be the boss of you.

4/6/7
skeet shooting blow job Admirable specificity. But I don't know thing one about skeet shooting.

5/7/7
why do ex girlfriends call you out of nowhere Well, probably you walked by me on the street and I thought you were really nice looking and maybe we said 'hi' or something. That should do it.

7/30/7
bulldoze by force porno I'm totally with you, my friend in Turkey. Bulldozer porn!

8/8/7
im 16 and trying for a baby why isnt anything happening Because you have been incredibly lucky so far. What the fuck are you doing? You are a baby, and you are starting one of the funnest decades of your life. In two years, you could go to college and have sheltered autonomy. In six or seven years, you'll be making crap money, but it will be more than you've ever seen, so it will feel great to you. Honey, you want a baby when you are emotionally and financially secure; that way you'll have the space and freedom from fear to enjoy every sweet thing your baby does. Please wait, hon. You have lots and lots of time to be yourself first.

10/4/7
wife gets oral sex after workout I don't know how that brought you here, but I like the way your mind works.

10/16/7
triathlete boyfriend left me for his running partner Lady, your boyfriend left you when he decided to do triathlons.

11/6/7
does my bf beat me quiz Oh hon. If you have to ask...

11/9/7
ggraphing calculator drunk Well hello, you sexy thing.

12/20/7
FREAKY. I just got this:
152.38.26.104 (Campbell University) [Label IP Address]
North Carolina, Buies Creek, United States, 0 returning visit
I am JUST NOW reading Blood Done Sign My Name, by Tyson, who is a member of the Buies family in North Carolina. Two days ago, I wouldn't have caught that.

1/23/8
look at your opponent feet in taekwondo No no, hon. That's too slow. Your opponent's kick will start at her hips. Watch her hips to know whether she's going to attack. Shoulders are too easy to fake.

2/16/8
fromthearchives.blogspot.com sex I promise that you are not more disappointed than I am.

Labels:

12 Comments:

Blogger amanda bee said...

Google Analytics shows me totally different search engine results than Analog does.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Dubin said...

I get things like:

"dog ate chocolate now shaking"
"chalk poisoning (dogs)"
"dog chocolate myth"
"dog ingests foil wrapped candy"

...and of course the occasional recurring search for "mildred oxberry."

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megan, your blog has changed my life. Thank you.

5:17 PM  
Blogger amanda bee said...

I get totally predictable things about Linux and PAM keyring. And public domain victorian lithographs.

6:26 PM  
Blogger Abby said...

There is a you-tube clip that involves navel gazing in its title (I haven't watched it yet, guess I should) which gets me some hits....

Then I get the free-floating anxiety sufferers too. That makes me sad.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Today I got:
i ask them nicely to turn it down they tell me to go fuck myself
paralegals dating lawyers
what does it mean when a guy kisses you and says nobody has to know
That can't be good.


Definitely not good.
I mean, when a paralegal dates a lawyer all sorts of trouble is bound to follow.

Peter
Iron Rails & Iron Weights

8:13 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Megan, your blog has changed my life. Thank you.

I was all excited about this, and wanted to know all the details. I was super hoping that my blog gave you the courage to ask him out, and now you are both in love.

But then I thought maybe it was just someone messing with me.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Noel said...

How can I get my boyfriend to notice me quiz?

The contents of such a quiz strike me as rather humourous. Would it suggest pouring red wine on the shirt of a particularly vain bf? Taking a crowbar to the car of those mechanically minded? Installing Windows on the PCs of geeks? (That would certainly get my attention.)




But of course, oh the humanity!

1:27 AM  
Anonymous jens said...

> what does it mean when a guy
> kisses you and says nobody has
> to know

A girl I knew wrote in her blog that she was between friends and really needed a "makeout buddy" to keep in practice. I commented that she'd better hire a secretary to wade through the responses. She commented that this would not be a problem - the posting was only visible to her "Preferred" list: her sister and me.

Then she changed her alias to "It's OK, I won't tell anyone".

If there is a relationship between my anecdote and the quoted part, the guy is probably married.

(No, we never "made out", unless you count backrubs)

5:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is your best posting title yet. oh the humanity.
-dithers

8:54 AM  
Anonymous yoyo said...

I came across your blogging from unfroggedor tyler cowen. then i quit.

then i was like, "i wonder how that megan did with dating." since datings the best sport of all.

I looked around like 10 times from the afore-mentioned places and kept coming across here but it looked different and funny and the only talk was about classes and sewers and general smart person neurosis so i figured 'dating-megan' was lost to the byte swamps.

but it was ok enough with smart stuff i stop back now with regularity.

if i google desparation in a smart enough way so as to be linked here, i expect more dazzle.

1:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i get a lot of searches for "docksiders." i feel bad for the people who were just honestly looking for an online place to find a good pair of docksiders, which they want so bad to wear with their shorts and brown socks. and then they find my, "docksiders: don't do it" post. i wonder if i'm doing some good in the world by steering people away from docksiders? it's no cancer cure, but i guess it's better than nothin.

3:44 PM  

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