I've been reading your diary.

Back when I was about to finish first graduate school and things were squirrelly with my then-boyfriend, I had decisions to make about cities and jobs and him. I moped around my department until my irrigation professor asked me what was up. I had the sense not to tell him the detailed analysis, ‘cause God knows he wasn’t interested in his students’ relationship problems. But I had launched into a quick version when he interrupted me with “Yes, well. You have imperfect choices in an uncertain world.” Imperfect choices in an uncertain world?! Yes, that was exactly it. I wasn’t going to find a perfect choice and I wouldn’t know the odds in advance. I was instantly relieved of a hunt for the one right option. I’ve reminded myself of that many times.

He did it again this summer. One of the districts we toured is incredibly politically connected and secretive. I was stunned that I was allowed along (he is a Grand Old Man, and simply included me without asking them), but I sure didn’t ask any questions until the tour was over. At the end of the day, I said how grateful I was and how amazed that they hadn’t refused to let me see their secrets. “Secrets?” He said. “They don’t have any secrets. They can’t manage their canals and don’t know where their operational spill goes. They’re all like that. There is no secret.”

I’ve been working on that idea since and I think he is right. Your secrets aren’t secrets. If you don’t want to be single, it is not a secret that you are lonely and afraid you won’t find your beloved, no matter how sparkly you act. If you want kids and you are thirty-five, it is not a secret that you are scared you will miss your chance. Those aren’t secrets. In fact, I know your secrets and I’m going to tell everyone. Are you ready?

The shape of your body isn’t one that someone will love.
You aren’t pretty enough to be loved.
You aren’t doing enough at work.
You aren’t smart enough and people are about to find out.
Your relationship with your parents is rocky and frustrates and hurts you.
You are jealous that a friend you otherwise love has something you don't.
The way you like sex isn’t the right way.
You were sexually assaulted.
You were mean to someone who didn’t deserve it.
Your romantic relationship has rough patches and you don’t know if you can handle them.
You aren't over someone.
You aren’t managing your money well.
You need to hear the person you love say that you are beautiful.
You want, so much, for your parents to be proud of you.
You have a crush on someone.
You need help you don’t want to ask for.
Your body has done gross things.
You hurt and drugs and alcohol help.
You are ashamed of how you acted that time.
It takes so much out of you to be a good parent.

Friends, if those are your secrets, they are not secrets. We know. In fact, I just told the whole internets. Maybe keeping that secret covered is getting harder and keeping you from getting close with people who want to love and help you. Maybe you should go tell them yourself, before they find this and figure out that I’m talking about you. Maybe it would do you good to say them out loud.