My goal for the week is to be as brave and open as she is. I meant to write about a different entry of hers, though.

This post brought me to tears. I’ve always been alpha. I don’t even know how not to be. It’s just that we’re in a group and someone suggested a movie. That’s fine but in half an hour, the first person will get hungry. We have time to do both, as long as we take two cars, but if we are going to pick up food on the way we’ll need to leave within the next ten minutes. And then I stand there, waiting for the chain to be clear to someone else, hoping someone else will speak, because I was the bossy one last time. Two minutes… three minutes and everyone is still chatting and people still have their shoes off. Four minutes and I don’t even care, but the movie would be way more fun if someone made gin and tonics to smuggle into the theater and the group will turn surly if we wait until after to eat. Six minute… (FINE! CRAP!) You two! stand up and mix drinks! You go get the car, and you three put on your shoes. Now, so that we can grab food on the way. I’ll never understand, because there is a big difference between a fed, drunken movie and a hungry, sober movie. The chain of events and who should do what gets louder and louder in my mind; in fact, I rehearse it mentally over and over as I bite my tongue, hoping someone else will please mention the time. And you know what? I don’t even care. I don’t care if we go to the movie or we sit here all afternoon. I’ll have fun either way. But y’all said you wanted to see the matinee, and to make the showing that allows us to play catch on the beach at sunset I’ll have to be bossy one more time. It would be awesome if someone else took charge, but they just don’t and we’re gonna be late.

So I’m alpha in groups and I guess I’m alpha in relationships, too. Well, I know I’m alpha in relationships. When the ex told me he wouldn’t marry me, his exact words were “Your personality is stronger than mine and it would be a lifetime of not getting my way.” Which is a perfectly respectable reason not to marry someone. But I didn’t want my personality to be stronger than his. I wanted him to want to marry me.

That leaves me with a couple choices. I can find someone who is happy being beta or I can find someone equally alpha. I actually really like beta men; they're easy to be with. We fall right into place and I get my way a lot. You have to be alert with beta men, because they don’t read their own desires well and they don’t protect themselves. Being with someone who is naturally beta means taking on responsibility for his happiness, ‘cause he won’t. As long as he is good at something I’m not, I can respect him. I could love and be with someone who is solidly beta.

But every now and then I’ll meet someone that I am not alpha to. I mean, there are lots of people for whom alpha/beta is vague and never established. And I love being around alpha women (my girlfriend Le especially owns my ass), ‘cause we think alike. But once in a while I’ll meet a guy who isn’t beta to me at all. When I do fall for someone like that, it feels entirely different. Like I have a chance for a whole different type of relationship, with someone I can respect from the inside out. I feel like maybe I could show myself more and not be scared that it’ll be too much for him. Or I could trust him to stand up to me, call me on it when I’m not being a thoughtful partner or even just when I’m being less than I could be. Or that he might be strong enough that I don't have to be on all the time; I might even be taken care of. When I fall for a guy like that, the crush feels deeper, wrings my gut and the back of my throat and makes my breath catch.

I’ve never had the chance to find out what it would be like to be in that relationship. I barely hope for it, because it is hard enough for me to find anyone, much less one of the few men who is as alpha as I am. I have been very happy in other types of relationships and could be again. It might not work out with someone equally alpha. Maybe we would clash all the time. But maybe not. Maybe I would know for my whole life that I had married up. Maybe he would know that he did too. Maybe I would keep swooning for him, be thankful for years that I was with someone so exceptional. Maybe it would feel like more than I've ever known.