html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: If you have someone, be nice to her tonight.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

If you have someone, be nice to her tonight.

I haven’t been dating much recently because, truth told, I do not want to date. Dating is hard and requires talking to strangers, which is hit or miss for me. It also requires making plans, which is hard to do when I usually have plans with my already friends, plans that I already know will be fun. I really want to be already dating someone, settled and trusting. I’m so much better in that mode.

When I miss having a boyfriend, I usually miss having someone to do for. I like having someone to cook for; it makes me a better cook. I want to make my home comfortable and pretty for someone, ‘cause I’ll never get around to hanging art for myself. I want to slip notes into a lunch I pack for him, or send him a card to the address we live at, or leave a gardenia on his pillow. That is my natural mode; right now that energy just slides away wasted or fixates desperately on boys who aren’t interested enough to call me but don’t mind being spoiled sometimes. That’s no good.

The fieldwork last week meant thirteen hour days. For the first time in a very long time I missed having someone to take care of me. I came home Wednesday with a headache so vicious that glancing at text brought tears of pain. What if the house had been warm and lit, with someone who would take one look at me and immediately tuck me into bed? What if someone had murmured that he would feed me first, then the cat, and he’ll be right back with some aspirin? Or on Friday, when I came home so thrilled from the rice mill tour. What if some sweet dorky boy wanted to hear all about it, and asked me questions because he really wanted to know how it all worked or just ‘cause he wanted to watch me be excited about well-thought-out details? From here, being taken care of like that seems like a barely imaginable luxury, as remote and fundamentally life-changing as being spectacularly wealthy or being able to breathe underwater.

I will have to keep meeting men. I know I can’t skip that step. But I can at least hope that when I meet him we fall hard and fast and gracefully. When I think even a little about wanting to be with someone, I get ragingly greedy. It feels awful, like starving. Please let it happen soon, or please let me stop wanting it so much.

42 Comments:

Blogger Abby said...

I can totally identify with your mood. For me it isn't the whole not having a boy-friend thing, its wanting an escape from the grey area of desiring so much something I don't have.

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you considered Match.com? According to the ads they're running incessantly on TV, they now have a money-back guarantee. So at least it's risk-free to try.

Peter
Iron Rails & Iron Weights

8:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, pay closer attention, their guarantee is, if you don't find someone in 6 months, they'll give you 6 MORE months free. At least that's what I heard on the radio today.

Justin

8:34 PM  
Blogger Sweet Coalminer said...

Oh sweetie. ((hugs))

I really believe you will get there. He's out there.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

I know. And he wants to hear about weirs!

10:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, what happens if he doesn't do the same things back for you?

Justin

12:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

M, I hope things work out for you. I know this is easy to say but try and stay positive. I'm sure you'll find the right person for you (inshallah).

1:16 AM  
Anonymous YK said...

Hey--I like hearing about weirs!

Oh wait, so does everyone else who reads this blog.

3:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with coalminer on this one. He's out there. I understand the feeling, too. -K.

4:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad you wrote this post. I feel like this so often these days. It's like can he get here already so I can stop having to go through the whole rigmarole of dating....and I'm sick of people (esp my grandmother) saying things like oh, he's out there, blah blah....how do they know?

Yet I take inspiration from my friends, especially S, who instead of cowering like I do sometimes, puts hereself out there, and takes everything as a learning lesson.

Hope you find your comfort zone soon. CP

6:48 AM  
Blogger capella said...

This is your second post in two days that brought tears to my eyes. I hope you find him soon.

7:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, pay closer attention, their guarantee is, if you don't find someone in 6 months, they'll give you 6 MORE months free.

In other words, a pretty crappy guarantee. Figures.

Peter
Iron Rails & Iron Weights

7:28 AM  
Anonymous wlotus said...

It sounds like my displaced demons have been a-wandering on Halloween night!

Seriously, though, I've had all of those feelings, and I agree with the commenter who said no one knows who is or is not out there. For the past few years I've been using that potential boyfriend-spoiling energy on myself and my friends, and I've been very fulfilled from doing that. It doesn't take the place of having a boyfriend, but it's worlds better than letting that energy go to waste (or wasting it on men who are bad for me...done that, too, ugh).

I hope you find a man who will be a good companion for you. I know about those unfulfilled longings, and they are no fun to live with.

8:33 AM  
Anonymous jens said...

Sorry, it sounds to me like a good boyfriend would be wasted on you...all you want is food, aspirin, and bed?

You are like TOTALLY missing out on the scalp massage, with maybe just a bit of fingertip pressure on those sinuses. There is no point in having a headache if you are not going to get that scalp massage.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Sybil said...

Even though I am in a relationship (somewhat long-distance), I have started reading "Date Like A Man," and it's got some interesting ideas in it... if I am ever single again, I will refer to it.

I have also been reading other books about men & women and how they communicate. If you want to stay home one Friday night, curl up with a book on sociolinguistics or psychology. Making yourself feel smart is sexy.. yes?

10:42 AM  
Anonymous peep said...

Megan wrote:
I know. And he wants to hear about weirs!

This cracked me up because my first (and only) mental association with "weirs" was a Yeats poem:

"She bid me take life easy,
As the grass grows on the weirs;
But I was young and foolish,
And now am full of tears."

I have a feeling that isn't what you had in mind.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Peep:
I am moderately disturbed by this image of grass growing on weirs. Does the district have no maintenance program? Aren't the flows high enough to suppress weed growth? Are these aquatic weeds? I guess I could understand if this was a native plant revegetation program, and "grass" was a layperson's description of sedges and rushes.

Justin, honey:
You know that we are worried about your relationship already, because the way you describe it sounds very one-sided.

When you are in a happy relationship, you give as long as it makes you feel good, to care for someone and watch them be happy. Presumably, the other person is doing the same and the balance of give and take balances at a point that makes both people happy. If you consistently give more than you can sustain without resentment, and you don't feel like you are being fed in return, it is your responsibility to cut back to a level you can live with peacefully.

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Until you find "him", you will just have to settle for running your hand over my bottom and snuggling, arms wrapped around each other, while we watch the super-cool spider pumpkin flicker on your front porch. And don't you worry, baby, I'll give back.


dw

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My point was more along the lines of, what you want sounds like a lot of work. And, ultimately what I want is just to be with someone, where it's not a lot of work. I want someone to hang out with, and go places with me.

But, constant little things like flowers on pillows and notes in lunch boxes would be hard to sustain, I would think.

And, do guys really appreciate their girlfriends decorating? I can't imagine that doing anything for me. I'm very happy with blank white walls, except for that one spot where I throw my climbing shoes that's now covered with black streaks from the rubber.

Justin

12:17 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Hey dw:
How would that be different from what we do now? You liked the spider?! Yay!

Justin:
I like doing that stuff, so it isn't work. For me, stifling that kind of caring for people is more work than doing it. But, being on either end of fussing isn't for everyone.

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I don't like that stuff so much. I don't like someone trying to take care of me when I'm sick. When I'm sick I just want to be left alone. I don't want anyone jumping on me, or hugging me, or bringing me stuff, or, well, anything. I want to be completely alone.

I don't mind doing stuff for other people if that's what they like. But, people who do like it don't seem to understand if you don't.

But, wouldn't you rather go do something, or get something like these than decorate? Art doesn't do anything, it just sits there, you can't even use it.

Justin

1:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had always assumed that Yeats was using "grass" by way of poetic license to refer to aquatic weeds.

The woman's advice in the poem, by the way, is perhaps apropos, and worth considering.

-y (whose mental image of a weir will always be this one)

1:46 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

-y:
Holy shit. Now that is a weir.

1:50 PM  
Blogger Dubin said...

Oh, Justin.

What if someone left a pair of Vasque Men's Ice 9000 Boots on your pillow, in your size, while you were busy rustling around in the bathroom for some aspirin because you were sick?

And you came back and saw them there? And you were stoked because you wanted those, but also because someone put some advance thought into making you feel good because they care about you?

I am trying to speak your language here. One man's ice boot is another man's gardenia.

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do I ever know you feel. After moving to a city where I didn't know anyone and dating a lot in the last 8 months, I'm about ready to throw in the towel, at least until the new year.

I'm not looking for a `perfect' girl or anything, but even so dating takes so much more energy than it seems it should.

3:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and Justin .... you are really missing the forest for the trees

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, I get it, it's nice when someone does a little nice thing for you from time to time. But, you can overdo that sort of stuff too. I wouldn't want stuff like that going on every day, or every week even. I don't like all that extra work. I'd like to just take it easy at home, when I'm not at work, or exercising, or fixing all the broken things.

Kathleen bought me a little climbing video a few weeks ago as an apology for something, that was nice. Though, I'd prefer to avoid the fights to begin with.

And, those boots are really freakin cool. It's like walking around in ski boots. I left black marks all over my floor last night walking around in them. So much fun.

Justin

4:14 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

4:00pm anonymouse:
Affirmative kindness to your fellow commenters please. Especially to Justin, whom I adore all over again for his solution to the goose problem.

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, that is a good solution. As popular as this will make me here, I used to hunt and fish, and actually, bow fish. Bow fishing, that's where you stand on the shore with a bow, and shoot the fish with an arrow attached to a string that you can reel them back in with.

And, every year, where I grew up, the lake about 1/2 a mile away would fill up with so many geese you could hear them a mile away or so. Just for the season when they were migrating.

Justin

4:50 PM  
Blogger ScottM said...

Wish I had a good solution for you-- I dipped into it every 4-6 months for years. I hope that the call ceases for you, as it did for me-- and for the same reason.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Scott M.:
I remember your proposal; have you married her yet?

5:05 PM  
Blogger Steven said...

Like Justin, I also recommend a good pair of Vasque ice climbing boots. In fact, this is related to that whole opportunity cost of dating. I could try and meet people around here...but I'd rather be out with my ice tools and boots climbing. Chicks with picks...that's what I need.

12:10 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Steven:
Justin sent me a clip of him bouldering. Dude! He's like Spiderman! Or a gecko! No wonder he likes climbing!

The video was a trifle unfortunate, in that he was wearing a shirt that covered all the flexing and rippling, but I'm sure he will remedy that next time.

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you forgot "and please let him be single"

7:42 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

7:42 Anonymouse:
Please let Justin be single? He's not. He has a gorgeous girlfriend. I've seen pictures.

Or did you mean, please let the new imaginary boy be single? Men who aren't single don't register like that for me. I don't let them.

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I meant the latter. You are lucky or a good person that you are unable to register a non-single person that way. I don't either except when there is no way to help it.

9:40 AM  
Blogger ScottM said...

No, haven't married her yet. We're happy enough, and under little enough pressure, that it's hard to take on the hard work of planning a wedding.

(Plus there's the stereotype that it's her day to plan in detail, so everything should wait on her whim. Since she's been busy... no real progress on the official paper signing day.)

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I've got a whole different one where I didn't have my shirt on. I don't really LIKE running around without a shirt, but it was REALLY hot in the gym that day. I've gotta get my cameraman trained, and get some clips of my friends I climb with in there.

I love my new little video camera. It's a lot of fun seeing yourself do something. Like, I see my friends climb all the time, but I never get to see my own technique. I yell advice at other people all the time, but now I finally get to see if I'm doing what I should be doing.

I've always wanted to see myself ski too, I'll get that this winter sometime, though, I'm not really very good anymore, oh well.

Then, I'll save all this to show to my kids someday, so I can say, look! I used to be good at things, before you were born and sucked up all my resources, time, and energy, you ungrateful little brats.

Justin

3:51 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

If I were single, I would have purchased a plane ticket to come meet you months ago. Your guy is out there - he'll fall into your lap the minute you stop thinking about it.

3:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I forgot to point out, I don't have any muscles. Lots of exercise, but I never get bigger. Of course, I never gain or lose weight really either, exercise or not, so it's a pretty good deal.

Justin

12:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I forgot to point out, I don't have any muscles. Lots of exercise, but I never get bigger. Of course, I never gain or lose weight really either, exercise or not, so it's a pretty good deal.
Justin


If you're exercising but not building any muscles, it's almost certainly diet-related. You probably need to eat more, especially protein.

Peter
Iron Rails & Iron Weights

1:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heh,
On top of drinking protein shakes, I eat a lot of protein. I get stronger, no doubt. But, never bigger. My body is magic like that. I'm not complaining. I don't want to get bigger, my build is ideal for all the sports I've ever participated in. Basketball, biking, skiing, running, climbing, etc.... Probably not ideal for mountaineering. According to my bathroom scale I'm under 10% body fat, I don't carry a lot of extra calories around with me to burn on multiday endurance outtings. Though, it never seemed to affect me as a biker, so I don't know, I'll find out next year.

I just find it amusing. My metabolism is crazy. But, if I had to guess why I never seem to get bigger, I'd guess it's because of the types of exercise I do. I'm not in the gym lifting weights. I do more of a lots of reps, low weight kind of workout.

Oh, and eat more, heh, my friends already marvel at the amount of food I eat. I'm 5'10.5" and 160lbs. It's not terribly uncommon for me to go out to lunch and order 2 full meals.

Justin

2:10 PM  

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