html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: Last night, his ex thought of him for the first time in ages.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Last night, his ex thought of him for the first time in ages.

So I was looking through Bay Area Craigslist the other night and in the midst of the standard stuff, there was this ad! It was about a topic and not about the guy, although it still managed to convey things I liked about the guy. The topic was interesting! It was totally easy to write him about the topic and imply things about me. I guess he liked that, ‘cause he wrote me back and said smart things and just asked me, straight up, if he should ask me to coffee or if he should send me further amusing emails. Yes! He should! Only not boring coffee, ‘cause we can do better. He liked that too, and suggested a museum. Not some dumb art museum either, but a real museum, with science!

By this point I knew his name, so I stalked him good and proper. I found lots of good things! And no bad things! Math AND physics! He builds hippy techie things, sometimes with other people. There was a picture, of him doing fun things with lots of people in a neat place. He has another hobby, for a different side of him. He isn’t a registered sex offender!

I was getting pretty excited about all this, but I totally played it cool. I didn’t send him an anagram of his name proclaiming our joint destiny. I told myself not to get my hopes up. I told myself my hopes weren’t up, and it was pure coincidence that my music was even louder than usual and I was all singing along. That could happen to anyone. I wrote him saying I thought the museum sounded great, and ‘fessing up that I would have to come down from Sacramento to go to the museum.

I got back:
I would definitely be up for hanging out, but should add that this weekend won't work and I'm probably not up for dating someone that lives so far away. Let me know if some time next weekend might work if you're still interested, no problem if not...
That’s when I found out that I’d gotten my hopes up. An interesting ad and three well-done emails is so fucking meager, and so incredibly better than I usually get. I can’t believe I’ve been demoted to hanging out; it is not like there is a scarcity of hanging out in my life. I completely understand his attitude, and I really respect that he would be so straightforward about it. But.

I’m gonna take him up on the museum next weekend, but now it is all messed up. If we don’t hit it off, that’s actually the easiest. I’ll just relax and enjoy the museum and whomever he turns out to be. But if I do like him, I won’t be able to trust my read. I’ll be all: It seems like this is going well, but is it going well enough that I’m worth dating from Sacramento? Could I be funnier, prettier, wittier, better? If I work harder, could I qualify for his “probably” exception? When will I find out? Will he tell me today? Do I have to wait three days, until I don't get called? Will I ruin it if I ask?

I keep thinking that sometime, please let it be next time, there will be some grace and ease and the good emails won’t suddenly stop. I hate that dating has gone wrong for me in so many unexpected ways that I can’t get calibrated, so minor things trigger all the doubt and confusion of the other times when it ended without warning or explanation. It makes it hard to try, and it makes it hard to trust, and I want to be someone who tries and trusts. Another bid, and I'm getting scared of the landings. You can't play like that.




**************
You guys know that you won't hear the rest of this, right? He's been very nice and straight up, and I expect him to be very nice and straight up some more, so he doesn't deserve to have people make up stories about him here. If things are medium, there'll be nothing to tell. If things did go great, I wouldn't want to risk it by discussing it in public.

32 Comments:

Blogger Megan said...

I will so delete any mean-spirited comments...

12:47 AM  
Blogger jens said...

Don't be a baby about this!

If all goes just perfectly, you can have a lover.

If something does NOT go just 100%, maybe at least you have another "Real people I actually know"? Isn't that worth SOMETHING?

Those of us who are just imaginary are a little bit envious just now!

12:49 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Dude, you're east coast. Go to sleep.

12:53 AM  
Blogger Noel said...

Boo.

On the plus side, if it doesn't work out you can die tragically in the snow and maybe the wolves will eat you. Then people will write tragic poems about destiny and lost love and that sort of thing. (This is all assuming this 'cold' snap thing is still happening. I'd also like to note that I'm totally with Justin on the sleeping issue -- I run HOT and my gf runs COLD and it isn't uncommon for me to wake up bathed in sweat while she shivers under multiple duvets).

Perhaps, if you're going to a natural history museum, you could take a photo of you standing next to a T-Rex? Then you (or we -- the whole lot of us imaginary people!) could make a Qwantz that was also a personal ad! It's smoochitis guaranteed! See, there's a bright side to everything.

3:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could I be funnier, prettier, wittier, better? If I work harder, could I qualify for his “probably” exception?

No. You can only be you. If that's not good enough, that's not your fault.

--mith

6:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is totally going to happen for you. Someday, somehow, it will. I have no reason for thinking that, except that things are supposed to work out, which is a stupid reason, but also the best one possible.

6:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Barrooooooo...

That's my howling-at-the-moon sound that I make when this whole world starts a'gettin' me down and people are just too much for me to take, etc.

I also make this sound when bad things happen to good people. Not that anything bad happened, it's just that I understand the situation from both sides. Nobody's right or wrong, therefore nobody gets anything mean-spirited said about them.

I see his point. I'm imagining someone I met on the internet revealing that they're going to have to come over from Jersey. In my mind I would say, "Jersey!!?!? I want a boyfriend here, not in Jersey. And besides, Jersey smells like... well, like New Jersey." I would be predjudiced against such a person!

But, if I met him (which I would do, at that point) and they were clearly more awesome than other people I had met so far, I would date them. Surprise! You're now dating someone in Jersey, even though you never meant to.

So go cautiously forward and don't try to act extra-anything, not too winsome or pretty or clever or whatever, just relax.

And no, do not say, "Ok, so, did I rate?" at the end of the date.

Then after you do all that, we will discuss what happens next. Baby steps...

9:05 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Noel:
Totally! Drifting off to sleep on very cold sidewalks is probably way better than roasting on very hot sidewalks in the summer. There is a reason for everything! I like sad waltzes about dying for love on cold sidewalks.

eDubin!:
Barrooooo! My perfect nephew already knows to throw back his head and howl when he sees the moon. There is not much cuter than a two-year-old moon howling.

I am totally going to say "OK, so, did I rate?" at the end of all conversations now. It will make all conversations better.

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bah,
You think that's bad. I met the cutest little grey cat a couple weeks ago outside my g/f's apartment. He was eating a mouse, so I figured he was hungry and started feeding him. And I just got him trained to pop out of where ever he's hiding and come running when I whistle. I even introduced him to one of my friends over the weekend. And I had myself all convinced I should box him up and take him home, where it's warm and there's food.

But, then yesterday I met his owner.

Oh well.

Justin

10:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Say Megan, totally unrelated to this as I am still formulating my thoughts on this rather relevant and pithy topic, but I was wondering since you are in Sacramento and presumably know the area, could you recommend a good, safe area to live for about a year while one will be mostly working?

Thanks!

11:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, man. Labeled G.U. (Geographically Undesirable). I feel the pain, I've had it happen.

When I started my first career, I lived in a remote area of the big metropolitan county, and I'd go down to the metro area to visit friends on weekends. There were several times when I'd meet some guy who was so excited about me, and then he'd find out where I lived. Even if he was living in some tiny closet of an apartment with 10 roommates, that was still better than, God forbid, living in the non-trendy area.

Often he'd still date me a few times (in which I was the one who traveled of course), then he'd suddenly act all mean and distant and pick some weird fight as an excuse to break things off. Or, he'd just up and say he thought it was too long-distance. After he'd introduced me to all his friends and given the impression he'd "scored," of course.

Better luck to you.

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best of luck, Megan.

While we're at it, does anyone have opinions of good neighborhoods for renting an apartment or a home in San Diego? -K.

12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

East Bay, North Bay, South Bay, or SF itself? Important info, East Bay is much easier.

My sympathies, I've been there. We are definitely swimming against a heavy current when trying to date someone in the Bay Area. The initial hurdle is way high. But it has nothing to do with you personally, it's all about location. And there's a certain legitimacy to it, as a practical matter. If true fireworks happen, I don't think 1.5-2 hours would get in their way. Problem is spending enough time together for things to get off the ground.

Marcus

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm from Jersey and had people (from Philadelphia!) refuse to meet me because, you know, JERSEY! But then again, a guy would have to be Alton Brown for me to consider dating someone from NYC, and that has nothing to do with distance. (Dubin - not all of Jersey smells. There is no reason to hang out in Bayonne or Elizabeth where it kinda does smell.)

Hang in there, Megan. I have nothing wise or comforting to say, except that if I were a guy or we were both gay, I'd go on a date with you even though we live on opposite coasts.

1:13 PM  
Anonymous eb said...

I like sad waltzes about dying for love on cold sidewalks.

Have you seen The Claim?

Sidewalks? No. Cold? Yes. I don't remember if there were any waltzes.

As for the post, I agree with the comments that the distances even within the Bay Area can be tough to overcome. I never did/have.

1:50 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

I feel the sudden urge to give my wife a big hug.

You can have one too, Megan.

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If we don’t hit it off, that’s actually the easiest"

Come on M, think positive woman!

Some things sound good (to you) and some things do not sound so good. But there's always *bound* to be something that will make you (or anyone) think twice. No?

sure, it would be nice if someone immediately felt that they'd move to the ends of the earth for you-and maybe he will- but first you've surely got to give him slack.

dubin is right. It's only natural. I would never date a girl who was not from my village, unless she offered lots of goats and buffalos.

2:44 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

     I, too, know the pain of being labeled as Geographically Undesirable. Not only that, I was deemed Morally Undesirable by the family due to my geography. In that case I suppose I was MuGu. Never try to be the city boy dating the daughter of the rural farm church elder.
     Since the guy has already prefaced the date, for who-cares-what reason, I think you should go into it knowing that it's his loss and you'll just have to see if he rates you driving that distance for him. Forget about whether or not you can successfully capture his attention. He's already flagged himself as someone unreasonable preconditions.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Justin:
That is heartbreaking. But, you know, there will be other kittens. Kittens you can pick out, and pay the shelter for, who can't tell you they don't want to date someone so far away. When you are ready, you can go get your kitten.

11:34 Anonymouse:
If you are of the young, hip persuasion you want to live in Midtown. 16th to Alhambra, all the letters.

-K:
You're moving to the good coast?! When?

eb:
Haven't seen The Claim, but without clicking on the link, I am a trifle skeptical. Is it a sports underdog movie? About hockey, maybe? 'Cause if it is sad or something, I don't know why I would add even more cold to my life right now.

Mark:
And every last one of you who doesn't have to deal with this crap. Do something sweet for your honey today, with all your free time from not wondering how you're ever gonna find someone.

Mike:
But I don't even think it is unreasonable. I would so not choose to date someone far from me, if I could find someone close.

3:54 PM  
Anonymous eb said...

Oh, it's a sad movie, certainly, but not at all about sports. Set in a 19th century mining town, supposedly in the Sierras, but the geography sure looks like the Rockies, which I think is where it was filmed. I mentioned it only because of the importance of cold; I'm sort of mixed about whether I liked the film. I mentioned it was sad, right?

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymouse from New Jersey-

I know, I know. I'm a bad person for viciously ripping on Jersey for no other reason than that it's my municipal duty as a Philadelphia person. I have been to plenty of lovely places in N.J. Still, why is it so compelling to make fun of?

For example, here. Truth is just as funny as fiction in this case - a friend who works in the Empire State Building actually received this email from her building's management:

A new announcement has been posted for Empire State Building:
------------------------------------------------------------
SMELL OF GAS

01/08/2007 - THE GAS SMELL IS NOT COMING FROM THE BUILDING. NYPD IS
INVESTIGATING THE MATTER. THEY BELEIVE THE SMELL IS COMING FROM NEW JERSEY AND IS CURRENTLY AFFECTING MOST OF MANHATTAN.

6:57 PM  
Anonymous justus said...

I understand your reasons for doing so but you're going to have a lot of similar responses from people you meet via the Bay Area Craigslist. I would almost certainly have the same reaction as this guy if I met a girl who turned out to be from Pueblo. You could forestall some of this by trying something as simple as signing your messages "Megan from Sacramento". Of course, then you run the risk of people dismissing you out of hand and not getting to you know you and giving you the "probably" exception.

I sympathize. Sometimes we are forced to build our hopes on a meager foundation.

7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dubin -
but that's NORTH Jersey - totally different state. It's okay to make fun of North Jersey.

Nicole (aka anonymouse 1:13)

6:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am totally going to say "OK, so, did I rate?" at the end of all conversations now.

This sounds like the kind of thing that would be hilarious to the person saying it and might even sometimes succeed in gettng a chuckle from the person who was asked it but is actually deeply unfunny 99% of the time chuckle or no chuckle.

6:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megan: Next month. This Oregon boy is excited to be closer to home. -K.

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Of course we're going to hear more about this. You're going to tell us when you get married aren't you.

Bertram

8:35 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Nicole (aka anonymouse 1:13):
Woo-hoo! I could have a date with Nicole! I'll so take you up on that if I'm ever out your way.

BobV.:
This sounds like the kind of thing that would be hilarious to the person saying it
You would be surprised how often that is enough for me.

-K:
Welcome back! I know people in SD. I should make a trip this summer.

Bertram:
I honestly don't know what I'll do with the blog when I have a real boyfriend. I'm inclined to think I'll pull it, except for big announcements, maybe, but I don't know.

9:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megan wrote: 16th to Alhambra, all the letters.

Anonymouse, as I remember, starting about U/V it gets a bit sketchy.

--Spungen

11:56 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Spungen:
Midtown is changing shockingly quickly. Alkali Flats is still sketchy, but Midtown is looking drastically more upscale every year.

12:09 PM  
Blogger jens said...

> Dude, you're east coast.

First time for me. Usually I get "Dude, you're married." But in the context of this discussion, that makes perfect sense!

2:20 PM  
Blogger jens said...

> I honestly don't know what I'll do
> with the blog when I have a real
> boyfriend. I'm inclined to think
> I'll pull it...

I was really cheering for you until you wrote that!

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only thing I can say about false starts and inexplicable loss of what seemed like sure-thing interest is: It keeps happening, inexplicably, until one day it doesn't anymore and then that's the one and buh-bye to all the others.

I can't tell you how many times I've been like, "Wait, wha? Were we on the same date? Mine was awesome!" Who knows?

"You don't need a million. You just need one," as my mom likes to say.

5:22 PM  

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