html xmlns="" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: They're purely mean.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

They're purely mean.

I have to scan my spam subject lines these days, in case it is you. They've been emotional hooks recently. I guess they're working, 'cause they catch my attention. But man. They're so sad.

Just now I got: Are you still struggling to get it?

I flash to this poor guy who knows, he just knows that other people are getting it and he isn't. He isn't keeping up and it is about to matter at his job, or he's never gonna get a place and a girl the way he's going, and he knows that he just doesn't get it. Things don't come fast to him like they do to the people around him, and he is always the last to laugh and sometimes he knows they are laughing at him. He wants to get it. He would do what it takes, if he could just get it like the guys do, so he clicks on the email and it tells him to get an unaccredited degree and my heart just falls 'cause that is not going to help him.

A couple days ago, I got: She won't turn away from you anymore.

I wanted to cry at the thought of him reaching for her, and her eyes go off to the side and she steps away from his path and he knows deep down that she isn't happy. Or he reaches for her in bed and she rolls away and he's scared that it is 'cause his dick is too small but he can't ask her that so he just lies back scared she's gonna turn away forever. It is not fair to sell him something that can't fix it.

Yes. I do this all the time, which is why I arrange my life to keep the doses as small as possible. I really cannot go to a movie that is actually meant to be sad.


Anonymous doctorpat said...

I'm getting some spam that just plain begs.

"Please sign up"

"Don't leave me waiting."

"I need you"


7:48 PM  
Blogger Dubin said...

I couldn't even watch the movie "AI" because apparently a robotic teddybear gets killed.

8:27 PM  
Blogger Jacqueline Passey said...

Don't watch Bridge to Terabithia then. It's not anything like it's marketed. And it's very sad. I cried for like an hour.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

I read the book a long time ago. I didn't like it. I liked _Jacob Have I Loved_ better, but still not a lot. I won't be going to the movie, that's for sure.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Jacqueline Passey said...

Yeah I read the book too, as a kid, but completely forgot the plot between then and watching the movie. It was marketed as a fun fantasy movie and while there were some elements of that, the ending was very very sad. :(

12:26 AM  
Blogger bobvis said...

I couldn't even watch the movie "AI" because apparently a robotic teddybear gets killed.

Dubin, this reminded me of your sympathy for the lamp in the ikea(?) commercial and the robot in the GM quality commercial. Technology pulls on your heartstrings!

6:16 AM  
Anonymous Thelonious_Nick said...

I'm not sure I see how spam subject lines are different than any other form of advertising. But as you have no TV I suppose your resistance to these cynical appeals is lower than the average person's.

Reminds me of the gangster in "Analyze This" who cries during insurance commercials.

6:31 AM  
Anonymous Peter said...

A couple of years ago I got a spam entitled "Used tampons for sale." Nothing's ever going to top that.

Is it just me, but has anyone else noticed that those once-ubiquitous Nigerian money spams have almost vanished?

8:09 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

Since you don't have a TV, you've probably missed the antidepressant commercial featuring a sad little oval... that one almost makes me cry. The oval is just so sad.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Dubin said...

Oh, the oval. OH, THE OVAL!
Blubber, blubber, blubber!!!

I can't take it.

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sheesh, I wish I got spam like that. MOST of my spam is telling me how big I can get my penis. How'd I get on that list?

10:22 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

Yeah, it's pretty wrenching.

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Ennis said...

Megan - does your empathy run the other way too? If you get spam about a man boasting how large his penis is now, and how happy he is with his sex life, do you imagine somebody shimmering with pride at his sexual prowess? Or do you only imagine the things that are meant to be sad?

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not a pushover for sad stuff, but I've got to admit, I do find spam titles a bit depressing. It's exactly like you say, you can just imagine the poor sod sitting alone in front of his computer in a cluttered studio apartment. Just wishing that his life would turn around and these products promise change, confidence, opportunity... *sigh* Unfortunately those things don't come mail-order.

If it really gets to you, your could always use gmail which is almost 100% accurate in removing spam...


11:03 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Oh, they're in my bulk mail folder. It is just that I have to scan that, 'cause every now and then I find something from a reader mis-classified.

11:11 AM  
Blogger jens said...

When my mother-in-law died, it was my task (after a couple of weeks) to clean out her email folder, just in case there was something important.


(3) Nigerian scams
(countless) offers to increase the size of her penis.
(1) offer to increase the distance of her ejaculation.

I hadn't even realized there was a contest about that last part!

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a shame you cannot take these imaginings in large doses, because those were heartfelt little paragraphs. I can imagine the collection of hundreds of them in a book, for those moments when one needs to feel more human.

"Sound of a Single Heartstring: The Emotional Impact of a Sentence."

2:19 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Dissociated and Numb?: Feel the Pain You've Been Suppressing, Just For a Second!

Like Chicken Soup for the Soul, Only Miserable!

Wallowing in Pathos, the Spam Edition!

4:07 PM  
Blogger Dubin said...

Sometimes this stuff can be Utterly Compelling (a similar but distinct genre to the Surprisingly Depressing spam category).

5:10 PM  
Anonymous doctorpat said...

(1) offer to increase the distance of her ejaculation.

I hadn't even realized there was a contest about that last part!

I'd never heard of it, and I went to an all boys highschool and a boys only university college (fraternity).

So I think it never, ever, mattered to anyone. But then, someone found some drug that actually DID increase it, and so set to work to create a new market.

1:37 AM  

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