html xmlns="" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: Mystery Edition! True Crime Story!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Mystery Edition! True Crime Story!

The evidence suggests that someone has stolen my street garbage can. Here is the evidence:

My garbage can is not there.
I did not move it; in fact, I remember putting it back.
My new roommate did not move it.
It is not around the corner or out in the street or displaced somewhere close by.

I find it hard to believe this evidence, because who would take my garbage can? It is not a special garbage can; it is like every other city-issued garbage can. (It is the adorable small size, which costs me four dollars less per month. It definitely has nicer lines and is far cuter than the standard size garbage can, so I suppose I am less puzzled than I would be if someone had stolen a full size garbage can.) It was not clean; I was just thinking that I should wash it. Garbage cans are not rare or valuable or multi-purpose. Why steal a garbage can?

I asked my roommate if she knew what happened. She suggested that someone painted it with invisibility paint. I ruled that out, because I went over to where it belongs and did not bump into an invisible trash can. We cannot think of any more options. I am at a loss, dear readers. Why isn't my garbage can there?


Anonymous Peter said...

Do you have to pay the city to get a garbage can? If so, the most likely explanation is that someone who is new in the area has stolen yours so he or she doesn't have to pay anything.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous justus said...

Someone stole my garden hose last year. I was similarly befuddled.

Perhaps America is under attack by Roma hordes that are funding their volcano island lair by purloining mundane items and re-selling that eBay with a modest markup.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Ennis said...

Your true love awaits, but is bashful and has taken your garbage can to have a tangible reminder of your presence until he can summon up the cohones to confess his feelings directly to you.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Capella said...

Megan's true love would not be so passive. No, he has borrowed your garbage can and will soon be returning it to you, clean and shiny and filled with organic local vegetables and freshly-baked breads and swimming goggles and Pub Quiz-caliber porn.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

The theory we came up with over lunch:

Homeland Security has taken my garbage can to test it for explosives because of my writings here.

I like your theories better.

We don't pay for our garbage cans directly. I guess I'll find out if we pay for replacement ones.

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

pfft, the most likely explanation is teenagers.

I remember my friends in highschool stealing everything.

I also remember them stealing people's jack-o-lanterns at Halloween. They were just smashing them, then they came across this huge one, and for some reason stole it, and took it in the car, then one of them heaved it out the window while they were going about 40 at someone's mailbox, and snapped the thing like a twig.

They thought that was hilarious. The next day the guy had put in a new mailbox, so they did it again. And continued to do it every time he put up a new mailbox, until he finally gave up on new mailboxes.


1:12 PM  
Anonymous D said...

well, it ws off to pick up a load of mismatched socks, bic pen capps, and assorted tiny little eyeglass screws, and got lost on the way back. it'll show up any day now, you'll see... probably looking bashful and embarrassed...

either that or it's laying under a car drunk somewhere trying to remember where it lives...

1:16 PM  
Anonymous Ennis said...

Damnit, it should be cojones, not "cohones." I spell like a gringo.

p.s. Capella, you're probably right

2:53 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

My sister suggested that I leave a six-pack where the trash can was, that the garbage-can abductor could trade it back for. Then we talked about whether that was like negotiating with terrorists.

We don't want to encourage that behavior. On the other hand, the only thing I have to lose is the recycling bin.

3:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a bad idea for a couple of reasons.

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to give alcohol to minors.

And, I'd guess it's unlikely that the same teenagers that took it are ever coming back. So, who knows who the beer would go to.


3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone stole ONE wheel from our big blue recycling can. That was weird.

5:07 PM  
Blogger George said...

It seems pretty clear to me. You get a new roommate. Trash can gone. Remember your statistics? Correlation = causation.

6:33 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

My roommate is a trash can black marketeer! How dashing! She was awfully quick with her "invisibility paint" misdirection.

7:13 PM  
Blogger Dubin said...

This very week, someone stole our blue recycling bucket from outside.

What's the correlation/causation there???

7:33 PM  
Blogger billo said...

Dubin, work on a list of the people you and and Megan both know. Then eliminate people who can explain what happened, like Justin..or maybe not...

11:17 PM  
Blogger jens said...

I hate to tell you this, because it is bound to cause some pain and resentment. Try to keep yourself thinking of how your garbage can feels, instead of focusing on yourself.

Your garbage can is gone because she met the garbage can of her dreams in your new "it's raining men, halleluya" neighborhood. The male garbage can spent no time beating around the bush once he saw those "cuter" "nicer lines" (the "not clean" probably helped, too), just took her with him and they are now happy together.

You might be requested to babysit a little wastebasket any month now, if your garbage can still trusts you!

2:34 AM  
Blogger Bilbo said...

Last year I called our trash collector to replace my old and broken garbage can. After about five calls over a few weeks, I got my new can...which my neighbor within days switched with his older one while I was at work (I know this because - get this - the cans have serial numbers on them). I let him keep the can...if it's that important to him, let him have it.

5:58 AM  
Blogger Louis said...

Back when I lived in a subdivision, I had my garbage can disappear. What happened was that a neighbor down the street moved and canceled their garbage service and the garbage can collection people got confused and picked up our can instead of theirs.

7:17 AM  
Anonymous jcd said...

In my urban neighborhood, garbage cans can sometimes migrate more than a block. Kids having fun? Sanitation engineers messing with us? Who knows?

1:24 PM  

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