html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: Were you raised in a barn?

Friday, August 24, 2007

Were you raised in a barn?

I am greatly grieved to learn that my readers, whom I previously held in high esteem, are savages, innocent of any manners or civil graces. There are social niceties that one observes at the announcement of a joyous addition to a household, and despite the usual traffic through my site, only two three four of you have shown yourselves to be more than filthy grunting baboons1,2.

Because your mothers have failed you and civilization both, it falls on me to teach you these rudimentary skills. Regardless of what you really feel, you should comment on her beauty and offer congratulations at my great good luck in her arrival. You should predict that we will spend many happy hours together. Because I am ludicrously smitten, I will not hear the insincerity in your tone and will think that you are obviously a perceptive fellow with an eye for loveliness of form. If you want to do more, you can spend an extra thirty seconds to call out some detail. If you are skilled, you can convey that only your joy for me overwhelms your jealousy that something so uniquely perfect has joined my life. If you don't want to go to all that work, you can still elevate yourself to the state of marginally civilized by offering a brief "Congrats!".

I am, frankly, appalled. Have you abandoned all gestures of refinement, or did you never have them? Do you feed at a trough, scooping slops to your face with your dirty hands? Do you manage to dress yourself in the morning, or do you simply tie one of the bloody skins from last night's meal over your loins? When you climb down from your nest of leaves and twigs at dawn, do you trample infants on your way to the fresh fruit, hooting and defecating as you go? Beasts that you are, I can only assume that you litter.

I deeply regret the necessity for this harsh lecture. If I thought there were no hope for you, I wouldn't have troubled myself to speak so directly, so pointedly. Hope remains, however, for as long as there are comments below. Redemption, manners, and walking upright among the gracious are still available to you. Please. For your own sake. This is an opportunity to express your higher nature, and I urge you to take it.









1ptm, Nate, Underwear Ninja, Dennis: I excuse you from this. You haven't come by yet, but I know you will greet the occasion with the exclamation it deserves. (HAH! Tom just saved himself! and A4!)
2As I hit refresh, I wonder if I didn't write this too soon. But lots of you stopped by without writing anything.

21 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Had I indeed been raised in a barn, it seems likely we would have been roommates. I WAS going to say something nice, but now I'm not. In keeping with my upbringing, whether rural or not, I must now say nothing at all.





ok, fine. congratulations. there. :oP -OtherMegan

1:15 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

You're mad 'cause I called you a litterer, aren't you?

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's really funny.

I started a comment, but it had a bunch of questions in it. I didn't deleted it, because the first reaction always has to be merely enthusiasm and compliments. I ended up with a sort of compromise version.

Text-based communication is tricky, though. In person, it's much easier: start with simple compliments. Then, if you are like me, after 30 seconds or so questions and conversation about technical details is where you really show interest and appreciation.

So, there is no derailler hanger. Is that original, or a modification?

A4, raised inside.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

I'm afraid I won't be able to answer a lot of your technical questions. Sage built her for me.

She doesn't have a derailler because she doesn't have gears. Not original at all, in fact, I am a huge poser.

I am very abruptly finding out where I used to coast. I'm going to have to change a bunch of habits.

1:50 PM  
Anonymous scottb said...

tag lame
I left before I could congratulate you in order to google for the process used to make the chain blue.
tag /lame

Sweet bike!

Scott (open doors and glowing incandescent bulbs left in his wake)

ps Won't let me use the well-known HTML tag for lame, so I had to hack the above. :^)

2:04 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Oh hon. Anyone who needed to know the process for making the chain blue is truly one of us. There are other pretty colors, you know. Pink and red and so much prettiness for your bike.

Thanks!

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, but in person, I could figure that out right away, and ask not technical questions, like "do you go so fast that your feet fly off the pedals?"

And you say..."I don't know, I haven't gone that fast yet, but I'll find out!"

And I say "Where did you go for your first test ride?"

etc.

A4

2:19 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Around town last night. Over to the Tower Bridge, then we circled the fountain in front of the capital a bunch of times, then we went to look at the bat colony, then we stopped by Roxie's house, then we came home, all smiley.

2:31 PM  
Anonymous quirkybook said...

I'm sorry for not commenting earlier. It's just that I get so jealous, because I want a new arrival of my very own, and it's HARD to find the appropriately gooey-and-non-bitter words.

But I've had a day to get over my jealousy now, and so please believe me when I say that Princess is absolutely adorable! And you've dressed her up so pretty! You are so, so lucky.

3:33 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

We should go looking for a new ride for you together. I don't know how to assemble a bike, but I would surely help you paint one. You can pick any colors. I matched the rest to the chain color. The gold is tacky, no?

3:47 PM  
Anonymous quirkybook said...

Dude, I am Bengali. Gold is never tacky, it's just fabulous and absolutely necessary.

I'm intrigued by the idea of getting a fixed gear, which I haven't ever seriously considered. (My current obsession is considering whether I'm badass enough to ride a road bike and go super fast and up steep hills and stuff.) My current bike is an 18-gear hybrid that is super heavy to carry onto the Caltrain AND high-maintenance. And yet, I fear that I am too wimpy to not be able to coast at ALL.

6:15 PM  
Anonymous D said...

well, see, I had to wait to comment because I figured a pro opinion was in order... so the old big B ['81 bianchi] let out a wolf whistle and then started humming a tune in italian...

so I'll have to guess you are going to need to beat the boy bikes back with a tire pump...

8:30 PM  
Anonymous robd said...

Sorry, Megan, I coldn't comment earlier, being dumbfounded by the Princess!
My own bikes suddenly look so old-fashioned...
Congratulations!

12:03 AM  
Blogger Noel said...

Thanks to ptm's kind directions and inspiration, I'm now doing up my bike in a never before attempted manner. I'm looking for a new chain -- I got this crappy Taya chain that wouldn't go on [never buy a stupid Sigma link piece of sh*t chain!] -- and I saw your awesome blue chain and now I know what I must do. I'm just not sure where I can source them! I might have to get a crappy chain from the local bike shop so I can ride into the big bike shop in town for a bigger range. [Or I could use the Internet but I want to go riding *now*]

12:34 AM  
Anonymous gdr said...

But why no drops?

2:09 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Drops are the handlebar, right?

'Cause those were the handlebars Sage had onhand. After these couple days, I'm think they're too narrow.

Before trying them, I'm a little hesitant about drops. They don't look comfortable. I would have to try them to know, of course. Since I don't think my current ones are right, perhaps I will.

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so funny. I haven't been here for a while... bounced by a few days ago and didn't get down this far. Today I scrolled down real quick, when I hit the bike pix I went, "oh damn, sweet ride!" Then I glanced up and saw my name! Then I scrolled up, and I couldn't figure out why everyone was in so much trouble. Once I understood it was about the new addition to the family, I was SO relieved that my immediate reaction was "oh damn, sweet ride!"

I need a new bike too. Can't wait to ride w/ you and the new girl! Even if I'm on my old wheels.

(Crap, I can't remember how to log on here. Oh well.)

-Dennis

7:53 PM  
Blogger guy said...

Well as an ex-pat the accusatoins of littering are the least of my concerns. But the Princess is strikingly beautiful (rather than pretty, imho). I wish you both many happy, coast-free years together.

I knew/know nothing of fixed gears but am now going to go do research. Another item to go on the list of "things to begin a relationship with when I settle down one day"...

1:46 AM  
Anonymous Nathan Zook said...

Ahh, dear Megan:

Don't be so quick to denigrate an ethic simply because it differs from your own. I did not comment because I did not believe that I had a useful comment. Yes, I appreciated your pleasure in the addition. But I also appreciate your need for alone time, and I did not want to take away from that.

No, I was born in a hospital, but I certainly spent a lot of my childhood there. :-) :-) :-)

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wasn't online much this weekend, didn't hear about your addition til just now. What a wonderful creation. The blue adds a totally funky edge, a conversation starter. How does she ride?

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Bryn said...

Damn! My appreciation for your new addition is overwhelmed by my guilt for being away from the feeds for 3 weeks so I can't come up with a good non compliment compliment, and it'd be too fake to go back and look at the pic and find some detail not yet mentioned. It's lovely though. I'd think you could be one of those uber hip messenger defying death on the streets of the city on princess.

I hope you've already got a good preschool lined up for, you have to you know if you ever want it to win the tour de france. :)

Bryn

8:25 AM  

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