Were you raised in a barn?

I am greatly grieved to learn that my readers, whom I previously held in high esteem, are savages, innocent of any manners or civil graces. There are social niceties that one observes at the announcement of a joyous addition to a household, and despite the usual traffic through my site, only two three four of you have shown yourselves to be more than filthy grunting baboons^1,2.

Because your mothers have failed you and civilization both, it falls on me to teach you these rudimentary skills. Regardless of what you really feel, you should comment on her beauty and offer congratulations at my great good luck in her arrival. You should predict that we will spend many happy hours together. Because I am ludicrously smitten, I will not hear the insincerity in your tone and will think that you are obviously a perceptive fellow with an eye for loveliness of form. If you want to do more, you can spend an extra thirty seconds to call out some detail. If you are skilled, you can convey that only your joy for me overwhelms your jealousy that something so uniquely perfect has joined my life. If you don't want to go to all that work, you can still elevate yourself to the state of marginally civilized by offering a brief "Congrats!".

I am, frankly, appalled. Have you abandoned all gestures of refinement, or did you never have them? Do you feed at a trough, scooping slops to your face with your dirty hands? Do you manage to dress yourself in the morning, or do you simply tie one of the bloody skins from last night's meal over your loins? When you climb down from your nest of leaves and twigs at dawn, do you trample infants on your way to the fresh fruit, hooting and defecating as you go? Beasts that you are, I can only assume that you litter.

I deeply regret the necessity for this harsh lecture. If I thought there were no hope for you, I wouldn't have troubled myself to speak so directly, so pointedly. Hope remains, however, for as long as there are comments below. Redemption, manners, and walking upright among the gracious are still available to you. Please. For your own sake. This is an opportunity to express your higher nature, and I urge you to take it.









¹ptm, Nate, Underwear Ninja, Dennis: I excuse you from this. You haven't come by yet, but I know you will greet the occasion with the exclamation it deserves. (HAH! Tom just saved himself! and A4!)
²As I hit refresh, I wonder if I didn't write this too soon. But lots of you stopped by without writing anything.