html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: I don't need peace. I need a fucking llama.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

I don't need peace. I need a fucking llama.

I get trolled in person! Trolls do not look like you think they look!

Went over to my house last night to do some chores I left without finishing (surprisingly un-fraught); as I pulled up, a pretty blond hippie type stopped her bike in front of my flowers. I stood a few feet away as she broke off one of my blue salvias. I watched as she put it in her backet, not real pleased that she was determinedly ignoring me. When she broke off a large branch, I said, in a regular, bemused tone, "I am RIGHT HERE. You could ask before you take my flowers." And she said...

...

...

"You are so angry. Why do you have such anger in you?"

I like to think that I have some small wit, and am good with the quick ripostes, but I just stood there with my mouth open. I could not believe I got trolled in person, and that by magic, she hit on the troll formula I like least in the world. Why do I have such anger in me? Because you're breaking my plants, you twit, while you ignore me AND then you turn the faux-hippie sanctimony on me. I like to be the wielder of hippie sanctimony.

She took my flowers, and then my lunch money, and then violated me real quick before she pedaled away. The last thing she said was "Your flowers are so beautiful. I hope you find peace."

26 Comments:

Anonymous swissarmyd said...

perhaps someday she'll figure it out... in the meanwhile, I'm sorry to hear it. I hope you have a happy thanksgiving anyway... my kids are at the moment watching my DVD of the Grinch who stole Christmas [The Original One]. Is it enough that sometimes even the grinchiest figure out their transformation?

Pax,
SwissArmyD

9:59 AM  
Blogger Colin said...

I know some Hell's Angels. Hippie girl could be on crutches by cocktail hour, believe me. You just say the word.

-- Walter

10:17 AM  
Blogger jens said...

Keep in mind that when wit fails you, there is always the simple "Fuck you" or "You're ugly".

OK, it's not elegant or particularly impressive, but it feels at least marginally better than standing there with your lower jaw dropped.

11:25 AM  
Blogger KingM said...

Oh, that is so funny. And infuriating, of course. But funny.

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megan, what is the point of being an unusually strong TKD expert if you do not kick the ass of someone who trolls you in person while stealing from you?

I mean, isn't that why there are so many trolls on the 'net -- because if they acted that way in person they would be in danger?

1:10 PM  
Blogger George said...

You got sucker-punched - I bet she uses that line all the time.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

She was so winsome.

2:29 PM  
Anonymous polly#2 said...

Too late now, but it would have been funny to stand there for a minute and then run full tilt at her shouting "Aaaaaaggggghhhhhhh" at the top of your voice. Like the Tom and Jerry cartoon housewife character, as if to splat her with the fish slice.

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't need a fucking llama, you need a taser.

4:35 PM  
Blogger jens said...

By the way, if you become the number one google search result for "angry violated llama fucking" you have only yourself to blame.

Or perhaps THAT is your scheme?

8:43 PM  
Anonymous Ennis said...

That is so perfect. You were hoist by your own petard, and your comment policy ("My comment policy is affirmative kindness towards all. Not just neutral, respectful and friendly. You'll get some slack if you're funny. Please, no compliments to me.") went out the window.

I think you are an amazing person, but I just can't stop laughing at how well ambushed you were by somebody else's hippie sanctimony!

10:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megan

She hit you with a classic passive-aggressive defence.

She accused you of anger, when in fact what she was committing was:

1. destruction of a plant (since when did hippies destroy plants?)

2. theft of property

You shoot someone. They scream at you and you say 'so why are you so angry?'

It's a classic passive-aggressive tactic. Women use it a lot in relationships (needle the male partner until they lose their rag then 'don't get angry with me or why are you so angry?'). The male version of same is more complex (but even more common in relationships) and is typically composed of doing something which is really thoughtless or irritating and then 'why are you getting so upset?'.

Basically the form is:

- commit an act that is threatening, a violation of the other person's personal space or integrity, or basically inexcusable

- let the other person express anger

- accuse the other person of being an angry person and behaving inappropriately (perfect mirroring: you do something aggressive, then blame them for being aggressive)

This is common because of the 'psychologisation' of society, the rise and rise of psychology in public discourse. We all know pop psychology, and we use it as a defence mechanism: we accuse the other person of having X unsavoury motive or personality defect, rather than dealing directly with what is reasonable and with the cause-effect that we have precipitated.

I would have thumped her (no, not really) -- but then I'm an angry person ;-).

12:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ennis

I can't see remotely the parallel between a blogging policy, and stealing something from someone's garden.

1:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Does "because you are killing my fucking plants, you thieving lowlife" count as esprit de l'escalier?

5:07 AM  
Blogger Dubin said...

Hahahahaa, Ennis has a point, there.

I guess if it were me, I would have said,

"Yes, I take medication and anger-management classes, but still, I can't seem to stop punching people!" and then I would have punched her. And then I would have said, "I'm so sorry, but you see, it's something I'm working through right now. I just have to be ok with myself the way I am, right?" and then jabbed her again. "One love."

Hey, it's my fantasy.

10:16 AM  
Blogger bobvis said...

"You are so angry. Why do you have such anger in you?"

I like to think that I have some small wit, and am good with the quick ripostes, but I just stood there with my mouth open.


One thing that often works is to apply their own tactics to them. E.g.: "Why are you so judgmental?"

Or, you could even plug my blog!: "The 'anger' that you see in me is a reflection of you and what you create in the world rather than a definitive description of who I am. Consider the extent to which the anger you see in others is due to you."

6:35 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

eDubin, you are always my hero.

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Ennis said...

And Dubin's response was simply perfect. I'm taking notes, and deconstructing it, just so I can be funnier next time.

Anonymous@12:56

Megan said to her "I am RIGHT HERE. You could ask before you take my flowers." which implies that there was nothing wrong with the taking or the breaking, just with the lack of permission first. But since hippies don't believe in property, Megan has already surrendered all of the rhetorical ground to this other woman.

I think what bothers her is not the loss of the branch, but having been pwned so expertly, which is precisely why this story is so funny and why Dubin's response is so perfect.

11:24 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

Megan, you need to be the llama you want to see in the world. Or the yard.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Ennis said...

Oh well. You winsome you losesome.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Dubin said...

Ennis-

Keep taking notes - I'm thinking of offering a full seminar on the topic, entitled, "Come Back with the Witty Reposte TODAY that you won't Think Up till TOMORROW!" Why wait?

3:28 PM  
Blogger Dubin said...

Oops, riposte. Actually, what's a riposte?

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Megan:

Are those canals and bog-looking things by I-5 north of Willows rice paddies? -K.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Dizzy said...

I like Dubin's idea best. But in real life: Repeat whatever they say as a question. "You think I'm angry?" Stand, stare intently, and wait for confirmation/explanation for as long as it takes. If they don't respond, you win. if they do respond, they are taking the defensive and you win.

(And if they are in your law school class, they will cover their loss of face with long, involved public tales about what a bitchy slut you are, but they will never look you in the eye again, so you still win).

8:42 AM  
Blogger Marcus said...

great thread. Ennis is rocking out here, especially the 11:24 comment.

Sorry you got so expertly put down Megan, but damn it's a great anecdote. Only in California, baby.

2:29 PM  
Blogger amanda bee said...

I personally would have gone for "You want peace? I'll give you peace." and then moved on to the Dubin approach.

Are you really in Oakland?

6:39 PM  

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