html xmlns="" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> From the archives: Will he call me?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Will he call me?

I know people who want a boy to call. Since I do not, today, happen to be one of them, it is completely obvious what she must do. Since I have, on many other days, been one of them, I know how freakin’ hard this will be. But, my girlfriends who are waiting on a call or an email or a text, who just need to know, who want him to call so bad, my sisters, you must stand up and do something that has nothing to do with him.

My pretty friend, you have given him too much power over your happiness. You, because you are a person, have the responsibility for your own mood and your own mind and your own happiness*. Fortunately, you also have the ability to change those, and right now, while you are wishing he would call, you must use your strengths and abilities.

Sugar, wrest your thoughts away from him. Impossible, you say! I have to know!!! It is all I can think about right now!! But that isn’t true. If you got a phone call from your best friend, saying that she is picking you up in half an hour to tell you great news, your mind would switch to her great news. If you heard that your parents were in a car crash, you wouldn’t care if he called. His calling is not the only thing in the world. So you need to think of other things, things that are interesting enough to distract you. This is great permission for you! Go see a movie, eat at a fancy restaurant, go dress shopping with a friend, check out that tourist trap, make homemade ice cream, play catch in the park, look at kittens at the pet store, do whatever thing you have always wanted to do. You practically have to! Leave your phone behind, so it won’t be nagging you. He can’t reach you anyway, so you might as well pay attention to what you’re doing. If you can’t think of anything to do, stand up and walk out of your house. Places can get saturated with the thoughts you have, until all you can do in that place is think the same things. Just switching to a new place will help, ‘cause you are moving and you are not in the place where you usually mope. Find a friend and pay attention to her.

I understand that it is not fair. He could make you so happy, so easily, just by calling! That’s not even hard for him! Just dialing and telling you what you need to hear! So easy! It will be so much work for you to make yourself not-even-as-happy. Where’s the use of that, when he could just call!!! I know. But there are a few uses. First, maybe he will call in an hour or a day or a week. But you, my friend, are alive during that time. You might as well make it better and not wait around agonizing. Second, you will be a different person when he does or doesn’t call. You will not be a boring person who depends on him. You will be an interesting person who does her own interesting things, and is worthy of his attention. If he calls, you will have a story and neat things to say, not angst-y recriminations about not calling. Third and hardest, no matter whether he calls, you will need these skills one day when you are single. When you are single it will be glaringly conspicuous that you are the person who needs to make you happy, because there is no one else to do it. (When you are in a couple, you should make yourself happy, because it is too heavy a burden to assign completely to another person.) So you must learn to do it. Start now, hon. It will get easier with practice.

*If you aren’t well, if your body is betraying your mind and self with depression or illness, you and people who love you and professionals who can help you are all jointly responsible for your mood and happiness. If you are well, sack up and go back to the paragraph.


Blogger jens said...

This whole process is much easier if you have a modern innovation known as a cell phone. That way you can go on about your business without the least worry that you might miss that call!

2:37 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

I don't think so. I think having a magic phone just means that can agonize all the time over whether he'll call. If you are away from your phone, you can turn your full attention to what you are doing.

3:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want an alarm clock that wakes me up by screaming, "sack up, bitch!"

4:09 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Oooh. I have that voice recorder now. I wonder if I could make a ringtone or something.

4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Gyn up" also works really well if you want to get specific. I use that one a lot. It's harsher sounding.

4:21 PM  
Anonymous Mitch said...

I have to agree with Jens, obviously. Waiting for a call is agonizing mainly because it confines you to the house. Having a cell phone means you don't have to choose between waiting for a call and doing something else. You've got a bit of a false dichotomy going in this post.

Even if we do end up living in the 30s again, it won't be for a little while yet. You can have a cell phone for a few years and not become a soft, dependent tech-o-phile. I promise! 850MHz radio waves do not magically erase your self-sufficiency.

How about another bet? I dare you to try one of those pre-paid (i.e., not long-term contract) phones for 3 months. In order to win the bet you must actually carry it with you and have it on. You can choose the stakes, even.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Mitch said...

Oh, and you have to give out your cell number to guys.

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My coworker taught me, "Wipe your tri, already." (That means "sack up, bitch.")

5:20 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Naw, I think we have different assessments of the source of the misery. If your whole being is oriented around "will he call", you have to re-direct your attention. Having a phone with you just allows you* to wallow as you do other things. Then you're being half-assed, sorta waiting for the call, sorta doing something else. I'm suggesting that they make a cleaner break, so they can focus on something else until they get home and rush to their phones to start the waiting anew.

(There has been considerable pressure on me, from many directions, to get a cell phone. My resistance is slowly eroding, but I had an awful lot of resistance to start with. Not yet, I say.)

*By "you", I mean me, when I get like this too.

5:20 PM  
Anonymous yoyo said...

Isn't this the same thing as sitting by the phone decide if one will call?

and isn't all that nevrousness exactly what makes things exciting and makes an ok person into a crush?

6:47 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

It is fine in small doses. I have heard from my girlfriends and read in magazines, however, that it can be taken too far.

7:10 PM  
Anonymous Mitch said...

If your whole being is oriented around "will he call", you have to re-direct your attention. Having a phone with you just allows you* to wallow as you do other things.

Re-directing your attention is hard to do, especially if "your whole being is oriented" around the call. Having the cell phone makes it easier to make the choice to go out (because you won't be missing the call), and going out makes it easier to distract yourself.

Having a piece of plastic in your pocket doesn't prevent you from turning your full attention to what your doing. And while a call is not in progress, that's all the phone is.

You can still obsess about the call without a cell phone. I don't really buy the idea that having the phone with you would make you obsess much more. With a "regular" phone you have to think about the phone and your nearness to it; you have to consider whether or not to go out. So your model for phone-thinking includes this consideration of your relationship to the phone as a big component. But in general you don't really think too much about a cell phone when you're carrying it. It becomes just another part of your personal landscape, like a wallet or keys. Does carrying your keys around make you any more likely to worry about whether or not someone has broken into your house? Bad analogy, of course, but the only way to really get this at a gut level is to live it.

10:13 PM  
Anonymous Mitch said...

Or, to try and make the analogy a bit better, if you had a key fob that would immediately notify you when someone broke into your house, would you worry about break-ins more or less?

10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"worthy of his attention"?

would he have changed over a week so that *he* is worthy of hers?

5:50 AM  
Anonymous thelonious_nick said...

One problem with taking the cell phone with you to movies, restaurants, etc. while waiting for his call is that when he does call, you will answer it and then become the most obnoxious person in the entire world as you ignore those you're with while talking so loudly that it distracts everybody within a 50 foot radius. At least in the 1930s you could watch a movie in a movie theatre in peace. I've come to the conclusion that cell phones are only carried around by rude and selfish people. That this now includes 90 percent of the US population does not negate my argument. So unless you think Potential Boyfriend will be interested in a self-centered person with no respect for those around her, leave the cell phone at home.

The diatribe is now over. Please return to your discussion.

6:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Second, you will be a different person when he does or doesn’t call. You will not be a boring person who depends on him. You will be an interesting person who does her own interesting things, and is worthy of his attention.

It's also possible that he hasn't called because he's trying to seem like someone that does interesting things and will hold your attention for more than a couple of days.


8:25 AM  
Blogger Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey said...

Or you could just spend all day looking at his MySpace pics and masturbating.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Will said...

"Or you could just spend all day looking at his MySpace pics and masturbating. "

That made me laugh out loud.

I was going to call but I was busy looking at jacqueline mpp's myspace pics and ...

Actually, I was going to call you, but my cell battery dead while I was talking with another girl.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

He's not on MySpace. He's on Friendster. I mean...

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two entirely different types of calls are being lumped together here.

1) If you do not know whether a boy will ever call you, and the only important feature of their call is its existence, it makes sense to leave the cell phone at home. If you go out you will be distracted, and if he calls and leaves a message it will be just as good as if you'd taken the call yourself - or better, because he'll know you were busy. This is typical of, say, a boy you've gone on two dates with and the second date was really nice and then he kissed you and there was some awkwardness and you didn't invite him in because it was only the second date and you really like him but maybe he thought that meant you don't like him, or maybe he just wanted a hookup and now isn't interested anymore.

2) If you know a boy will eventually call, if you wait long enough, and you want very much to talk to him but you can't call him for whatever reason - say he is your erstwhile boyfriend who is now, in the tradition of annoying men everywhere, "thinking" - it makes to take the cell phone with you. Because what consolation is missing his call? It's better than not getting a call at all, but if he's going to call while you're out buying pretty new clothes to impress all the men you don't care about, or reading books that you'd like to tell him about, or whatever it is you do, you'd rather stop that and talk to him. And if it's something that you can't take a call in the middle of - seeing a movie or being with friends - you can always put the phone on silent.

1:27 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Nope. There are no distinctions between phone calls and scenarios. If you have given the power to make you sad or happy to someone else, you have given away too much. You've taken this piece of you, and you are holding it out to him in front of you and screwing up your center of balance. You can't live on the verge of toppling over like that. Balanced and whole from the inside, then open to other people.

Start again from the top, hon.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

You guys all understand that I don't achieve this stuff, right? When I get preachy like this, these are my ambitions for myself, not something I can consistently pull off.

2:29 PM  
Anonymous yoyo said...

I find when 'other people control my happiness' its actually my internal drama, and very much not about the other people, except in stereotype.

10:14 PM  

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