To say nothing of Black Ambers.

My sister and I share the same view of trees, the one we got from our father. Our father taught us that trees that enjoy regular waterings owe something to their keepers, and that something is almost certainly fruit. Some trees can get away with offering nice foliage or scent, but that's cutting it close to the line. You have to justify a decision for anything but a fruit tree. My sister and I are choosing trees for her new place. Please notice that despite my strong views, I am taking a moderate and amiable approach:

Her: reconsidering trees.

okok ok ok ok

i'm thinking pluot.
whatdoyouthink?! c'mon! there's a cut-out where there used to be a tree, next to where your door will be. we could put a tree in there
(please don't mention the roots of the old tree yet, let my blisters heal first)
and it'd shade the chicken scratching area. there's one called the flavor grenade, and it's really yummy.do you worry about plum droppings outside your door? maybe a small citrus on the edge of the front yard, by the neighbor's garage side?

Me:

NO. No pluots. Stone fruit, yes. But we are traditionalists. We hew to the old ways. The proven ways. We are not taken in by some flashy "Flavor Grenade". We want heirloom varieties, that tie us to our food heritage. We reflect on long traditions of yellow nectarines, or blushing apricots when the first buds of spring break. None of your high sugar, low acid mealy apologetic "pluots" for us! This is where authenticity demands that we take a stand. A Bing cherry would also be fine. No Raniers. Raniers are for the weak.

Citrus is cool. I vote for a lemon/lime graft. You don't need a whole lemon or whole lime tree.

I would say apple, but it is so easy to buy good apples, and you would probably want some pansy-ass Gaia something or other.

First, I would like everyone to note that I did not bring up plums. Plums would be the obvious choice for a small stonefruit, but I am taking the yard layout into account. If we were to go with plums, that would necessarily be an Elephant Heart. Gorgeous plum, rich flesh, hard to get at markets. BUT! Elephant Hearts require a pollinator, which is obviously going to be a Santa Rosa. High producer, not quite as sweet as an Elephant Heart, rouge skin to contrast the mottled green and red skin of the Elephant Heart when you arrange them in some shallow hand cast hippie bowl. BUT! If you are going to have an Elephant Heart and a Santa Rosa, then you clearly need a Greengage. So classic! Fully green with a yellow tone and flesh. Beautiful plum; I occasionally read mentions of it in English literature, and I think we can all see why. And here is where it all falls apart. There is not room in my sister's yard for three plum trees. With sorrow in my heart, I bow to the reality of the situation. Because I am so reasonable, I do not bring any of this up to my sister.

Instead, I go looking for grafted lemon and lime trees. I do not find them. But, I find this: http://www.tytyga.com/index Why do they think that would improve lemon tree sales?

We're still debating options. I'll spare you the rest of the conversation. It will probably take weeks to resolve. I'm serious about the pluots, though. They're the living incarnation of everything that is wrong with society today.