Under blankets on a couch, with cookies and tea.

Saying nothing may be an improvement over non-stop smartness, but love and acceptance are even better for making people feel good. I’ve wanted to be with woman friends recently, who already bought into non-judgment and work from there. ‘What are your good options,’ they ask, ‘that reflect your awesome self?’ When I confess horrible vindictive thoughts to a beloved friend, she says she doesn’t understand how we can be so alike and so different, but she loves this fierceness in me. Fierceness? Now that took work and agility, to recast my vicious streak so kindly. But she is offering me a gentle framing; I could take that and try to live up to it.

See? Those are the people I want to be around these days. Using intelligence and humor softly, to love each other and ourselves, and coax out the best of us. It is not a weak alternative to deconstruction. It is the way to make your words welcome and heard. It accomplishes more.