Something like that.

I was on my way to dinner last night when my phone rang. It was my tenants, telling me that my house had been broken into. I went straight over and we pieced together what happened. From the looks of it, either Eric Rauchway or Kieran Healy busted through the big window on my porch. You climbed through the jagged glass, guys? Not thinkers. Then they had a sortof fruitless time trying to find something to steal in all my tenants moving boxes and were stymied by the back closet I left a mess. My tenants came home in the middle of that, so the two of them charged out the front door, getting away with only an old laptop. I can only imagine Kieran and Eric spent the rest of the night drinking forties and using their stolen loot to troll comments sections.

Cops came and there wasn't anything for me to do at the house, so I met my dinner companions late. Thief with the Grey Hoodie, Thief with the Buzzcut and I really had a lovely time. I knew they were smart and witty, because I've read their posts and columns and stuff. I am forever hoping to have long dinners with fascinating conversationalists, and a dinner like last night's is exactly why. I was sorry it ended and I had to go back to dealing with some squalid, petty crime.

It'll be worth it, though, because I am confident that I will get justice today! I told the cops where they could find the perpetrators! Even as I type, I'm sure a S.W.A.T. team is descending on Kieran's lecture. Hah! I hope they haul him and Eric away in cuffs! That'll teach them to bust into people's houses and steal laptops! Break people's big wavy glass window! They're gonna put you away for that, guys. If I were a smaller person, I would take some satisfaction from contemplating your fate. But I'm not. I just hope you can rehabilitate yourself. I hope you use your time behind bars to reflect a little and better yourself. Maybe read a book or two. Grow a conscience.