Ways I’ve gotten over people.

D.K. (3rd through 6th grade, gold-rimmed glasses, best at dodgeball, good grades): Went to different junior highs and I couldn’t maintain the interest without seeing him. Ran into him once again, late in high school. He wasn’t wearing the same glasses or playing dodgeball, so I didn’t get what I was so smitten by.

Series of small crushes: ended only when replaced by the next crush.

First boyfriend: My first semester at Berkeley, my parents divorced and I broke up with my first boyfriend. He got into Berkeley second semester, but had to spend that fall home in LA. I knew he was lonely; we’d all left for school. I was still worried about him, and spent hours trying to figure out ways for him to be less lonely. Play soccer, take a class, anything to get him out of the house. I was also worried for my Dad. My sister’d be leaving for school soon and with her and my Mom gone, I was terrified that Dad would be alone in an empty house. I lay awake nights, trying to figure out what would help their loneliness.

I was leaving math section one day and happened to ask my math TA how he was. He was fine, but a little lonely, since he’d just moved to Berkeley and was living off-campus. I barely made it outside before starting to cry, and I went home and cried and cried. It was too much. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t fix my Dad AND my first boyfriend AND my math TA. Something had to give, and when I stopped crying I wasn’t in love with my ex anymore.

(My Dad was ahead of me. He re-married fairly soon, and had two more children. My ex boyfriend came to Berkeley, and I’ll always think he joined martial arts to see me more often. However, he was excellent at them and hap ki do became his social scene. Four years after that, when I was done with the co-ops, he and I moved into an apartment in the apartment building of all black belts. Spring semester of our last year, we were both black belt instructors sleeping with students from our white belt classes in the fall. I dated mine for seven years. He married his and they have a beautiful little girl. So I indirectly solved his loneliness in the long term. In the short term, however, he was not pleased that I met my next boyfriend… in his dorm suite.)

Second boyfriend: I think I got over him before we broke up. That was a strange time. He was essentially conservative and a pessimist about people. We started fighting the night of the Rodney King riots and didn’t stop fighting for months. I finally broke up with him because I couldn’t stand fighting anymore. I was sad about the breakup and sad for him, but I guess I got over him in all those fights. And, somewhat, when I started spending more time with a guy in my co-op…

Third boyfriend: He broke up with me. (That, incidentally, was the day I learned you could make fun of anything. We broke up just as I was leaving to go home for winter. I cried walking to BART, cried on BART (where I think I saw a guy who was especially mean to me in sixth grade), cried on the plane, stood outside the airport crying waiting for my pick-up. My mom and sister picked me up and asked what was wrong. “Chris broke up with me.” I choked out. Oh, said my sister. Very long pause. “No one’s ever broken up with me.” Short pause. “Me neither,” said my Mom. It cracked me up, but I learned a dangerous lesson that day.) I got over him when I met my next crush.

Side crush: Throughout my second and third boyfriends (so we’re talking three years), I had a side crush on one of my smartest, funniest friends. It was low level but persistent, and nothing was ever expressed. But I happened to see him the day Chris broke up with me and he made some off-hand snarky comment about being rid of Chris. I was still fiercely protective of Chris (maybe that hasn’t changed) and I was so offended that my crush ended that minute. We’re still good friends.

Fourth boyfriend: I got over him the minute he told me that he was going to date my best friend. I was done with him on every level.

Crush after that: He wasn’t interested and long-distance. I couldn’t maintain the crush on no information.

Crush after that: He was less interested and long-distance. I couldn’t maintain the crush on no information.

Crush after that: He did a jackass thing.

SomeGuy: I realized nothing was going to happen and stopped putting him on every Ultimate team I arranged and stopped flirting with him and chatted with his girlfriend whenever I saw her. That crush ended when I met my next crush.

Next crush: Not over.

Crush after that: Played catch and went to my garden with him one evening after his ex had broken up with him again. He wasn’t trying to charm me and was correspondingly much less charming. Crush ended.


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Alright folks. What have we got? Looks like a bunch of crushes that ended when I met the next crush. A few crushes that fizzled for lack of contact. Two crushes that ended because the situation was wrenchingly hopeless. Two crushes that ended when the guy was inconsiderate. Looks like Plan A is to meet the next guy. Lack of contact hasn’t killed this crush, so that won’t work. We don’t interact enough to get to wrenchingly hopeless. So Plan B will have to be to get the guy to pull some jackass move. I think there’s potential there.