Just a few more weeks.

Dennis came over yesterday and we put up the trim. I am so grateful. My room will look sweet and small and lovely when I'm done. I should be relieved. This was the piece that can get me moving again; from here on, I either know how to do it or it can wait. But when we finished the trim, I got so tired. Now hours of caulking, taping, painting and moving in are open to me. Soon as I get those done, I'll be able to finish moving out of my Sac house and out of Chris's parents' house. The chores are all chained and they stretch out further than I can see. I want to hide in a corner.

I don't know what's happening to me. Work doesn't ordinarily get to me. It is simply there, if one wants to live in a pretty room*. Normally, I would trudge steadily through each step. I can picture the result, and I know why you do each step, so I would just do it. But last night I had time to caulk for an hour, which is one hour closer to done, and I simply could not face it. I feel like I've been working for so long, and all it has gotten me is the opportunity to do more work. I am tired.

I keep thinking that this will be the last push for a while. When the room is done, there will be no more to do on it. I will, one day in the near term, have cleared out of my Sac house. All this transition will end; I will apply work to it and it will end.

I've been pushing for months, on this and other stuff to change my life. This is the cost of ending stagnation, right? Straining at a boulder, rocking it back and forth until it breaks from its bed. I keep thinking that soon my new life will gather inertia and I can coast for a while, running on all the energy I've poured into it in 2007. 2008 is my year again. It'll be Rat Year, and I'll live in a beautiful little room in a beautiful new neighborhood. I'll have time to breathe, look up. I'll make new friends and show them this place that I built with my family and my friends.






*I could, I suppose, just leave stuff undone. But you can't escape work; it always finds you. Moving in without finishing the room means moving it out later, doing the same work and moving back in. Perhaps I don't have to make the room all nice, but for now it is the only space that is all mine. Making it pretty will reward me for the rest of my stay there. Unfortunately, I know how grateful I will be later that I did the work now; I'm reminded of that every time I eat something from the garden. Sadly, I have learned that one does things in order and right now the order requires work.